Labels: after adoption: transitioning successfully, bonding activities with your adopted child

Things have been going well since my last post.

No bathroom accidents. None.

Yesterday was strange though.

I keep Piney's clothes and underwear on very high shelves in her room.

Yesterday I had her in an outfit that would be very difficult to remove by herself- it zips up in the back...

but after Piney had been playing in her room, she emerged wearing a completely new outfit.

First she would have had to get her original outfit off somehow...

then would have had to climb very high on unstable shelves to reach the new underwear...

then would have somehow retrieved a shirt that was hanging in her closet which is way above her head.

The shirt was also long sleeved and a type of material that might have been difficult to put on...

and finally she had gotten pants from the top drawer of her dresser which is also difficult to reach.

When she emerged from the room wearing this new outfit - put on perfectly- she ran into Kirby.

When she saw him she told him she had pooped in her pants.

Kirby came to tell me.

I came in her room to check it out.

Her old outfit was on the floor, including her old underwear and it was completely clean.

"Piney. Your underwear is clean. You didn't poop in your pants you silly girl," I laughed.

"I DID! I DID! I peed my pants! LOOK!" she said adamantly as she showed me perfectly, dry clean pants.

"Piney, how in the world did you get that new outfit?" I marveled.

"I climbed." she said.

Impossible, I thought to myself. There is no step stool around, nothing to climb on. Did she fly up there?

About 30 minutes later she informed me that she had peed her pants again. She was still wearing the same outfit.

Again- she hadn't peed her pants. It was clear that she was saying this because she wanted to change into another new outfit.

(Could changing outfits be one of the reasons she has continued to have accidents, but now realizes it isn't working, because I remove her clothes instead of giving her new ones? Hmmm)

Anyway, I couldn't have her changing outfits all night- so I offered her a bag of costumes.

At first she protested, but I soon saw her emerging from her room in a costume. Then another. Then another. Then another.

I think she wore every costume in the bag.

As she was wearing her latest style she wanted to cover me with stickers and hats, and other things she could find.

Then she wanted to do my hair, etc.

We were quite a sight together!

Very fun!

Labels: after adoption: transitioning successfully

Thanks for all of the great advice on my post: Is It Adoption Issues or Just a Normal Phase?

We incorporated the idea that Piney gets a certain spot in the fridge (one of the produce drawers) for her food. She can get her water cups, cut up fruit, cheese, etc. from her special drawer. We put her name on it with masking tape and made a big deal out of it.

She seems to really love it so far and has been staying out of the rest of the fridge since we implemented it.

It is actually nice for me because I can make all of her food at once. I only put non-messy finger foods in there (nothing crumbly or runny) so that she won't make a mess or need assistance.

She really likes the independence and we haven't had any problems since. However, we have yet to see if it is a long-term solution or just a fun novelty for her. Time will tell.

As for the other behavior/ discipline issues discussed....

I felt like a lot of the advice was along the lines with-

Discipline sometimes sharply when the situation calls for it, but then show an increase of love to make sure Piney understands that although we don't approve of the behavior we love her unconditionally.

The sharp discipline needs to be consistent and she also needs to feel consistent love and attention at all other times for it to be effective.

The question I am still mulling over is how sharp the discipline should be. Do some situations warrant spanking, while others a time out, and others a loss of privileges and others just a reminder- depending on the situation and her level of understanding and warnings?

I have read a lot of different theories about this.

We haven't used spankings in the past, but I wonder if certain situations call for a stricter response. If she knows the consequence, is given warnings and continues to misbehave.

Another idea is to not let her wear underwear if she pees or poops in her pants. She hates that and her brothers won't play with her if she isn't wearing underwear, so it is a big deterrent. I don't mean she has to wear a diaper. I mean she doesn't get to wear anything except a dress to cover herself like we used to do when she was two. However, this doesn't solve the problem of her pooping in her pants at school.

Perhaps a reward (candy?) for staying dry at school would be a good idea.

Anyway, I am still mulling it over and thinking about all of your great ideas. Any more thoughts would be appreciated.

Meanwhile, Piney wants to show you her pretty butterfly that is painted on her arm:
















"Oh... You can't see it very good? How's This? I LOVE Butterflies!"
















"Did I tell you how much fun I had plucking the little green tomatoes off of mommy's tomato plants? My mommy just smiled at me through her tears. She does that a lot. Oh I am A HAPPY girl!"

Labels: after adoption: transitioning successfully

I need to say that I have received more compliments on my kids behavior, than criticisms

over the years

but I usually dismiss both

because the person is commenting about a short moment in my child's life

that is totally unreflective of anything.

However, I always accept compliments graciously as I know they are intended to be a loving act of kindness.

What really matters; however, is not what others see, but what I see.

And not whether or not my child performs well in public, but if my child is truly happy inside.

As parents of adopted children it is vital that we enroll our kids into our own version of

"Joy School".

Here are 7 Happy Child lessons (adapted from an article from American Baby Magazine):

1. Create memories that facilitate connections with all family members, extended family members and close friends. It is important that your child has happy memories with people that they can be in a long-term relationship with. Adopted kids know too much about losing people in their lives. So plan that family reunion, invite your friends over for dinner, go on a vacation, play silly games, etc. Plan play dates. Clean the house together. Show love and affection like crazy.

2. Don't give into your child's demands or whims- especially if they are irrational. It is O.K. for your child to be upset sometimes. Step back and allow your child to develop the coping skills and resilience to bounce back when things don't go his or her way. If you do everything your child wants, your child will become a demanding monster. Let your child be upset when appropriate. Also, don't shower your child with gifts he or she doesn't need. Shower on the love instead.

3. Your child will be happier if he or she sees you being happy. So put on a happy face. It is O.K. to be sad or upset sometimes, but talk about it with your child when you are. Attend to your own happiness by taking care of yourself. Take reasonable care of your appearance, keep your home clear of too much clutter, don't over schedule, do things you like to do, and nurture your relationships.

4. Don't label your child. Over the years your child will feel like he or she has to live up to the labels (or praises) that you have been giving out. If the labels are things like: pretty, smart, , athletic, artistic etc. then the child's self-esteem takes a dive when he or she can't live up to the label. Rather praise your child's efforts on specific things like a great performance, athletic play, a pretty dress, a well-done drawing, etc. Keep up the praise, but don't label the child.

5. Offer lots of opportunities to learn new skills. You don't have to enroll your child in every lesson out there however. One or two max is our rule. A lot of skills can be learned at home such as cooking, cleaning, painting, arts, crafts, reading, writing, laundry, money management, computers, etc. This ties in with not doing too much for your child. Let your young child struggle to tie their own shoes, button a button or zip up a zipper. As they get older let them bake, clean their room, or do the laundry without stepping in.

6. Give your child a responsibility. Piney would get upset every night as each one of my older boys did after-dinner jobs (sweep, clear, load dishwasher, etc.) and she didn't have a job. I finally discovered that she was overjoyed when I told her to go clean her room. Kids like to feel that what they do is important and valued. So think of responsibilities your child can do at any age.

7. Try to look on the bright side of situations. As you express gratitude this is absorbed by your child. Children love to imitate adults, so keep this in mind as your child is always watching and learning from you. It might be a good idea to start a new tradition of saying something you are grateful for around the dinner table. Having an attitude of gratitude will show your child that you are truly blessed.

Any other ideas to facilitate happiness in your child?

Labels: after adoption: transitioning successfully

Every time M and I want to go out we have to plan very carefully to reduce the amount of trauma Pineapple exhibits to the babysitters (our sons).

First we never say out loud that we are leaving or going out (sometimes we spell it or use a synonym that she doesn't understand yet).

We quietly put everything that we are going to take with us by the door and then return so she can see us.

We then give our boys babysitting instructions in whispers, behind closed doors.

We set up food and a video for Pineapple.

Then I quietly go out the front door and wait.

M says goodbye to her quickly- so she knows we are leaving and Ender is in charge.

I can not do this or she will scream, follow me and won't let go of my legs.

M quickly meets me outside.

Last night we went to a Korean wedding. We were the only Americans in attendance. The pictures below are of the flower girl and boy.
























Upon our return we discovered that Pineapple had found a way to get into her whole box of hair clips and jewelry. She is amazing with small motor skills. She got everyone of those little clips in.




She also wet her pants.

This morning she was still protesting our leave of her. I got her dressed and told her to go potty.

She went into the bathroom. Then she stood right next to her potty seat and peed in her pants.

So another new outfit it is.

We are having a Korean high school student stay with us this week. We are hosting him here while he learns more about American culture.

I went to the fridge to get some milk and we were out. Hmmmm. What can I make for breakfast? I don't have time for anything elaborate. I whipped up some slimfast and powdered milk.

I don't think the Korean boy liked it. That went right along with our earlier taco dinner. He had never had a taco before. He said it was very interesting. He asked me if Americans eat a lot of meat and bread. I said we were trying to eat less meat-only one or two days a week. I don't think he believed me. I think he was taught that Americans eat a lot of meat.

The boy asked my boys if they enjoy studying.

They laughed (he look bewildered)

We asked him if he played video games.

He said he didn't have time for that. He studies early in the morning until late at night every day. He gets one month summer break and he uses it to build and paint apartments in poor areas of Japan.

My kids have been trying to break him of the study habit.

So much for his parents encouraging him to come.



He likes to play with Piney though and that is a plus, bonus for everyone.
(She looks very exotic he said after learning she was from Russia)

Other good news:

I opened the closet this afternoon and discovered this:





More great stuff from Johnson & Johnson that had somehow gotten separated from the box when I did my last post. Wow. It just keeps coming! Lotions, shampoos, body washes... I'll let you know what I think of them after I try them out!

Oh and the winners for my last post. O.K. I am writing everyone's name on a little paper and folding them up. Now I am asking Link to draw two names.... and the winners are:

Kristen (mascara) and Valeta (concealer)! Just comment with your email and I will get your address from you so I can send them.

Labels: after adoption: transitioning successfully

Pineapple had a very Happy Birthday celebration!

She is so proud of putting up her three fingers when you ask how old she is.

Her big brother Ender made her a special birthday crown, which she loved of course.

We had strawberry and chocolate cake with ice cream. We had a number 3 candle, but she REALLY wanted to use the Mcdonalds candle she found.


Then she opened her presents. They were bigger than her!

The first gift was from her Grandma (a pretend granny purse- it was perfect for her!)


The second gift was from Margaret.

She sent this bear to Pineapple a year ago, but I have been saving it for the day I felt she was old enough to really appreciate it. It is the kind where you can stuff the bear yourself and insert a little star wish inside, then you can dress the bear up in princess clothes and a hat and wand and everything! She LOVED it!! It was perfect to ride on her pretend horse.


Thank you again Margaret!

The last gift was this. We had purchased this as a Christmas gift, but felt she had too many things, so we saved it for her birthday.

Nothing like being able to ride a bike when it is snowing outside- and it is!

She was so excited/wound up with all of her gifts last night (We celebrated a day early) that she would not go to sleep.
We had to put her to bed 5 times!

----------------------------------------

Labels: after adoption: transitioning successfully, Our 3 sons, Russian Pineapple Princess: our adopted daughter

It's January.

In case you haven't noticed it's cold and dreary and everyone is sick.

So what do you do?

I will tell you.

You buy this CD and then you turn it up really loud in your car.

It is akin to sitting down to a whole box of Godiva chocolates.

At least to me.

And I need that because I am one up on you in the misery category because I have two big research papers and finals this month

and they are trying hard to suck the joy out of my life,

but don't worry about me. I have plenty of highs in my life right now too.

Such as...

1. Seeing poop in Piney's little potty. That is a big one.

2. Keeping up with all the blatantly biased, slanted, corrupt news channels and Internet sites about the primary election (I should really stop)

3. Scaling down the stress in our lives by buying less stuff and appointing Sundays as a "NO- T.V., Computer or Electronics day" and instead a "Family Togetherness" day.

4. Making little homemade boats for home-school and floating them in the bathtub to see which motor works the best. Why is it always the boat which is supposed to go the fastest is the one that sinks?

5. Learning about each continent in depth- we are currently learning about Australia. Did you know that the Aborigines did not "discover" Australia, but rather England did (according to our really stupid workbook). But despite that moronic part I have learned a lot. Anytime you want to quiz me on the capitals and stuff... I'm good.

6. Getting to pretend to be Elmo every night (we have a puppet which Piney loves)... singing in my best Elmo voice, "If you are happy and you know it scratch your nose, etc, etc." Nothing like a good sore throat and a nose scratch every night.

7. Planning our Japan trip. We were able to get a five star hotel in Tokyo on priceline for really cheap. I love that site. It might actually put a dent in the extravagant prices that Tokyo thinks is normal and O.K.

8. Reading my environment books that are telling me to only use 2 squares of toilet paper at a time and buy all my clothes at goodwill. I don't think they would have said that if they had visited the thrift store on my base. All of the clothes are from the 1960s. We bought my son's Halloween costume from there. Then again. They would probably still want me to shop there. If you see upcoming pictures of a bag lady. Those are me.

9. Funny moments like this- Pineapple tells me it is time to go. I say, "Really?" She surprises me by pulling up her arm sleeve, bending her arm and then bringing her wrist up to her face as if looking at her watch and announcing, "Yes! It is 8:00! Time to go!" (And IT WAS 8:00!)

Well, that's about it. Any highlights in your life?

Labels: after adoption: transitioning successfully, fun family activities

The update is that the diaper-less thing is going well.

For the last two days Pineapple has gone in the potty every time- no accidents.

How long should I carry this on for though? I am afraid that once I put underwear back on her the accidents will start all over again. A week? Two weeks? A month?

At that time I will certainly try some of the ideas that were mentioned (i.e. if she has an accident she has to change her underwear herself and she gets the no frills plain ones instead of the ones with Dora, etc.) Great ideas! Thanks!

Now, as I promised in my title- taken last night on our bed while she intently watched the news-your Pineapple fix.... (Oh How I Love These Large Images)

Labels: after adoption: transitioning successfully, Russian Pineapple Princess: our adopted daughter

I'm back to my old diggs! (With a little sprucing up from Elle- Thank you again!)

I am really glad to be back to my old blog at blogspot. I really didn't like Typepad (because the pics are too small!), although I enjoyed my time working for Clubmom.

I realize that it looks like a giant chunk of my life is missing. The whole story of my adoption has vanished from my blog. But it is not gone. I have 3 published books from my Clubmom blog that tell the whole story and I will present them to Pineapple when she gets old enough. I am sure that the history of her story will be a priceless treasure. The first book is our journey to get Pineapple, the second is her first 6 months home and the third is our adventures moving to Seoul ending with Christmas and the New Year. Quite an adventurous two years!

However, I look forward to the new year back in my old diggs. It is nice to have our family all here- to have a lot of the rough edges smoothed out and to be calming down into a regular life. It is still a growing process with Piney; however. We are still working on her feeling secure and trusting of others. As well as working on her articulation and vocabulary. I think the emotional aspects are a life long process with adopted children and I am prepared for that.

Pineapple received an American girl doll for Christmas. It is one of the baby dolls (not the older ones with hair). We have named the doll her original Russian name. Pineapple LOVES that. What is interesting is that she loves and cuddles and feeds her doll, pushes her in the stroller, makes sure she always has a hat and is never cold, etc. all the while saying her doll's name over and over. She tells me that her doll is crying and she holds her so tight and gives her a bottle, comforting her.

I wonder if she is healing her inner child.

Is she holding herself as a baby? Is she giving the love to herself that she didn't receive?

I am wondering if this is therapeutic for her or if I am just reading into it something that isn't there.

Either way, it is great to see how compassionate and affectionate she is with her doll. It shows me that despite her rocky beginnings her little heart hasn't been hardened or broken. She has felt loved and consequently knows how to show it (even if it is a doll!).

Labels: after adoption: transitioning successfully

I know that I said I was going to finish up with my “Passed On Adoption Child Care Advice” and then I didn’t. So here is all the rest that I have. I have separated them into sections. I know some of you are saying to yourself: “Please don’t give me advice. I will figure out intuitively what to do to care for my child because I will know my child and we will figure it out together. Every child is different.” This is absolutely true. However, sometimes people are frustrated because they tried to go with their gut and it didn’t work. Two examples are

1- A friend of mine who adopted a boy and a girl from Russia said to me that she had not read any adoption books or gone to any seminars or talked to anyone about adoption before she adopted. When she got her kids home she didn’t have any trouble with her son, but her daughter had attachment issues. Although she didn’t know they were attachment issues, she thought they were behavior issues. So, who did she go to for help? Her mother of course. Her mother told her all of the things you should do for a biological child, which in many instances (in regards to attachment) is exactly the opposite of what you should do for an adopted child, but neither of them knew this. So for at least two years she struggled with this child, doing all of the stuff that “mom” said to do. It was only until she finally decided to read about adopted kids that she discovered that she had been doing everything wrong (ex. letting her cry it out alone, constant time outs alone, no attachment activities, etc.)

2- Someone recently wrote in to one of the adoption threads talking about the frustrations of keeping her adopted toddler potty trained. She was told that her 2 year old was totally dry at the orphanage and so expected her child to be totally potty trained at home. Her daughter didn’t act potty trained at home at all. This caused a huge amount of stress and unnecessary parent- child struggles. (Please see untoilet training 101) The responses to this post were so excellent. The threads are really a great resource.

When I hear about these types of situations I always wonder why they didn’t read up on this stuff before the problems. I am glad that both of these moms found help eventually, but why wait? If you learn the possible needs of an adopted child before going into it you will be so much better off. I think that could save a lot of headaches. I am not saying that one size fits all, or that this is the answer necessarily, but this “advice” is something to consider. Certainly this “advice” is not comprehensive, so please read books, talk to experienced parents and ask questions. I know I am preaching to the choir here, but my thought is that if any of this helps even one person than it is worth posting.

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors, after adoption: transitioning successfully

Be patient with tantrums. Don’t get upset yourself. Do not yell at your child to stop screaming. (Easier said then done, I know) Rock, pat, feed, soothe as best as you can, give medicine as needed if sick .

Rage and rejection can be common. Some of these children are still grieving the loss of their birth mom or orphanage caregivers. Support them in this grief and anger by being understanding and sympathetic.

Never spank an adopted child as they can connect this with possible earlier child abuse.

Try to always use a soothing voice. It matters more how you sound than what you say.

Instead of time outs, better to have time ins- where the child is removed from the situation and place on a chair or into another room while you remain with the child. Don’t leave the child alone.

Assess: is your child hungry, tired, needs a diaper change, over stimulated, jealous? Figure out what is the underlining problem and attend to it.

Expect your child to try to be in control of all situations (what he or she will eat, how, where, when to sleep, what to play with, using the “right” utensil, etc.). Accommodate these things at first. As attachment progresses let the child relinquish more control to you. Sometimes tell the child whatever he or she is doing is exactly what you wanted the child to do as a transition to obedience and relinquishing control.Never ask child's permission to do something yourself (Not- is that or this OK? Only change it if severe reaction) Act like you are in charge. Don’t give a lot of choices (either you pick or let the child choose between two options).

As children get older punishments for disobeying could include: jumping jacks, push-ups, run up and down the stairs, jump rope (get out their energy and get back in control).

Attachment Activities

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors, after adoption: transitioning successfully

If the child is between 1½ - 3 yrs old don't try to keep the potty training going from the orphanage- even if they said your child is totally dry.

Let them regress back into diapers until they are older and then slowly start up with the toilet training again.

Don't get angry if they aren’t successful at first, but be diligent in having them sit on the potty periodically- Just for fun, not to stress out over.

Use pullups, not underwear. Underwear will only frustrate you. Eventually they will want to go to the potty themselves towards the 3-4 yr. age and then you can switch over. Teach proper hygiene. (Of course their will always be that unusual child that is truly potty trained at 1 ½ , but don’t plan on that child being yours)

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors, after adoption: transitioning successfully

To help facilitate attachment let the young child or baby sleep in your bed with you at first, then slowly transition to a crib or bed next to yours (fall asleep in your bed and then move when asleep) or fall asleep in their bed next to yours while you rub the child’s back. After awhile (3-6 mo) transition the child in to his or her bedroom. Stay with the child while they fall asleep and then go out.

This applies to younger or older children: It is important to have a bedtime ritual every night (brush teeth, bath, p.j.’s, story (sit close), rocking, rub back). Never skip even a portion of this ritual every night. Rocking/ holding time most important. Let the child regress- hold, or sit close, for toddlers- use a bottle, go back to diapers. Read a lot of age appropriate books, including age-appropriate books about adoption. Bottles should never be propped or left in the child’s bed. Soft blanket is good.

Never let a child self-soothe or rock him or herself- if they start to do this pick them up and rock while holding. You be the soother whenever possible.

Never let your adopted child cry it out alone. Always attend to the child at any hour.

Some children need music or white noise in the background to sleep.

Don’t let the child wake up alone at first.

Any other suggestions? Like how to get your child to sleep on the plane?

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors, after adoption: transitioning successfully, international adoption: worries

Your adopted child needs quantity time: a stable, secure, warm and loving environment with you always there.

Point to objects and name them. Talk about what you are doing and why you are doing it.

When wanting your child to do something, give clear, simple instructions and then do the task together.

Spend time doing a lot of attachment activities (any ideas here?).

Follow the child’s lead in play. Discover your child’s personality and interests.

Display a lot of family photos with your new child and other photos of your new child around home.

Don’t let your child be alone ever. If your child is very young you might even need to take the child into the bathroom and or shower with you. You might try bathing together.

Don’t let your child be too independent. Your child needs to learn to depend on you. Regress through healthy dependence. Don’t let your child play independently for long periods of time. Even when cooking, let your child play nearby (i.e. taking pans out of the cupboard or helping you). Sit together when eating.

Go to age appropriate parks, restaurants, museums, library, etc.

Keep track of age appropriate developmental progress using development charts. Your child will most likely have some developmental delays, but should soon catch-up.

Child should have a consistent, daily schedule.

Respond immediately to crying

Meet child’s needs immediately (diapers, food, comfort)

Smile, reward good behavior and achievement with hugs, smiles

Try to keep a positive mood

Carry the child a lot, if possible, keep him close

Praise often

Be compassionate about irrational fears. Give child a flash night at night or water pistol if this will help

Make faces, be silly

Massage child’s skin with lotion. Wear the same lotion so you smell alike.

Wear the same color sometimes and point that out

Teach hugs

Practice milestones

Never break promises

Make an activity index card box with attachment and other activities- the child can pick a card

Try baby signing (See book Baby Signs)

Read books with facial expressions that reflect moods and a mirror to practice

Play; sing songs, finger plays, nursery rhymes

Use younger toys and games then their actual age- know the child’s developmental age

Good tooth care: Use fluoridated water, drink milk, toothbrush and paste- teach them

Teach child how to clean himself in the tub (good time to clean the bathroom too)

Take child wherever you go at first

Be consistent with your and your child’s detergent (allergy free), soap, shampoo- don't change smell

Do not let others besides Mom and Dad comfort child at first

Feed her ice cream, other foods (don’t let her feed herself at first)

No propped bottles

Introduce relatives and visitors slowly one at a time

Go slow- don’t hurry your child

Don’t over-schedule- do what she likes to do

About the first six months no babysitters/ never leave unsupervised/ child sits, plays, works and rests near parent

Begin with leaving for a 15-minute period. Leave the child in your home with a responsible person the child knows.

When you do finally leave your child to go out for an evening let the child use your pillow in her bed, wear Mom’s t-shirt to bed, give him a photo of you and tell him that you have one of her that you are carrying in your purse. Be reliable- return when expected. Do not ask child if it is OK for you to go out.

After a few months, branch out into attending playgroups, mommy and me classes, story time at the library

Transition into daycare or preschool after being home a year or two

Important to have family dinners, vacations, special birthdays, family outings (i.e. swimming, camping, boating, shopping, out to eat)

Labels: after adoption: transitioning successfully, bonding activities with your adopted child

It is time to focus back on adoption. This is an adoption blog after all. I was going to write down for myself some of the things that I have gleaned from books and advice from others, and I thought why not just share it with you all. What I would like to do is start a discussion on a new topic each day over the next week. Let me know what you think of this “advice” I have been given. Do you think it is good advice? Is there anything you could add to it?

Preparing for Your Adopted Child to Come Home

Learn some basics of your child’s language. Learn about your child’s birth country.

Create a nurturing environment for the child to come home to. Child- proof your home. If you don’t want your child to get into it, move it. Don’t expect your child to “learn” to not get into things at first.

Purchase soft, comfortable clothes and bedding for your child. Make sure you have purchased all of the necessary items. Click here for a list.

Begin your child’s Life Book (More on Life Books later). Figure out what you will tell your child about his or her personal life story in as positive light as you can while remaining truthful.

Be aware that your child might reject you at first. Give it some time. Don’t expect your child to immediately love you and want your affection. On the other hand, your child may cling to your affection like there is no tomorrow.

Be prepared that caring for your child is going to take a lot of physical and emotional energy, and you may be required to have this energy at the same time that you are feeling sleep deprived due to continual awakenings by your child.

Find out everything you possibly can about your child when at the orphanage, so you can incorporate it into life at home.

Take a long time transitioning your child out of the orphanage. Say good bye to everyone. Take your time. Take lots of pics. Have the caregivers sign an autograph book for your child. Make sure your child sees the caregivers are happy about you coming for him or her. If possible, bring something home from the orphanage (a blanket, toy, etc. for a transition object). Replace it with a new one.

Try to feed your child a similar diet as was in orphanage at first and slowly introduce new foods. Possible foods: formula, baby foods, cut up hot dogs, meatloaf, chicken, vegetable soup, yogurt, white cheese, oatmeal, fruits, crackers, bread, chocolate milk- carnation instant breakfast

Visit your child’s pediatrician (get vaccinations), dentist and early intervention specialist or attachment therapist as soon as possible. Make appointments ahead- before you adopt. Many times new patients require several months before they can get an appointment.

Write potential daily schedule/rituals. Example: Cuddle time w/ bottle, breakfast food, clean-up, playtime, reading, snack, nap, outside time, exercise time, dinner time, bed time

Diaper Bag should include: Changing pad, diapers, travel wipes, blanket, change of clothes, hat, sunscreen , bug lotion, toys, books, snacks in small Tupperware (crackers, cheerios, etc.), juice boxes, sippy cups, bottles

First few months should be quiet, without a lot of visitors, no babysitters.

Allow at least 2 weeks for child to adjust to time change- helps to bring her outside

Before bringing the child into the bath fill up the bath tub and test the water. Usually kids like the water a little cooler than adults. Don’t fill up the tub with the child in the tub- this could be loud and scary. Don’t fill the bath too high with water- keep it shallow. Use bath toys. Use a bath mat, spout cover and little shampoo visor to keep water out of eyes. You could try soft music in the background to calm child. At first hold all of your attention on the child the whole time. Let her get used to baths before really concerning yourself with him getting really clean. Don't drain the water out with the child in the tub. Do this when the child is out of the bathroom (again, this can be scary). Children are always freezing when getting out of a tub, so get a towel around him right away and gently dry your child. Cover child in lotion. Put on warm fluffy p.j.s or clothes.

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors, after adoption: transitioning successfully, international adoption: worries

For adopting families check out the following:

1. Sometimes you want to connect with other parents that have adopted. The problem is how do you know for sure that they have adopted children. The Adoption Hotline Blog suggests an earring signal, The Naked Ovary Blog suggested a secret handshake, I thought maybe an adoption tattoo would work, but now I have discovered this cute little t-shirt that would be better. However, it is only offered in baby and toddler sizes.



2. If you are a friend or family member of someone who is going to adopt the following two websites may be helpful to you:

1. What is a Referral? Click Here

2. Want to know how to treat an adoptive family? Click Here


I especially like #9. What is your favorite? Do you have anything to add to this list?

Labels: after adoption: transitioning successfully, self help for adoptive moms

JAMA is the premier medical research publication. So when JAMA speaks, people pay attention. JAMA’s recent article on adoption is very important news. Here is a summary of their findings.

JAMA. 2005;293:2501-2515

“International adoption involves more than 40,000 children a year moving among more than 100 countries. Before adoption, international adoptees often experience insufficient medical care, malnutrition, maternal separation, and neglect and abuse in orphanages.”

1. Adoptees (both within and between countries) presented more behavior problems than non-adoptees, but effect sizes were very small.

2. Adoptees were over-represented in mental health services and this effect size was large. Although most international adoptees are well-adjusted, they are referred to mental health services more often than non-adopted controls.

3. International adoptees showed more behavior problems than nonadopted controls, but effect sizes were very small.

4. Contrary to their expectations, international adoptees showed fewer total, externalizing and internalizing behavior problems than domestic adoptees.

5. International adoptees were less often referred to mental health services than domestic adoptees.

6. International adoptees with pre-adoption adversity showed more total problems and externalizing problems than international adoptees without evidence of extreme deprivation.

7. Contrary to their expectations, age at adoption does not appear to be important for the development of behavioral problems.

8. They found no significant differences between male and female international adoptees for total behavior problems.

9. Contrary to their expectations, they found that international adoptees presented fewer total behavior problems in adolescence compared with international adoptees in early and middle childhood.

10. Children who had been with their adoptive family for more than 12 years showed fewer total behavior problems than children who had been with the family for less than 12 years.

11. Normative crises in adopted children, eg, coming to terms with the loss of their birth family, may be misperceived as behavior problems.

12. Children placed in adoptive families with relatively lower socioeconomic status have more favorable outcomes than those placed with more privileged families.



Femmie Juffer; Marinus H. van IJzendoorn
Behavior Problems and Mental Health Referrals of International Adoptees: A Meta-analysis
JAMA 2005 293: 2501-2515

I am going to put in my opinion here. I think perhaps the reason they found that international adoptees presented fewer total behavior problems compared with domestic adoptees is because they are including the older children that have been adopted domestically after they have gone through our horrible foster care system. Frankly, I think being kept in a Russian orphanage is preferable to being tossed around from home to home in the U.S. Some of the foster parents here are saints, but others are just in it for the money. Just the idea of being rejected time and time again and trying to adjust into a new family would lead almost anyone to behavior problems in my estimation.

What do you think about these findings? To me, the ones that are most intriguing are #7 and #12.

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors, after adoption: transitioning successfully, international adoption: worries