We have a new rule that Piney can not say the word Mom at the dinner table.

This is because she says Mom 800 times during the course of a meal.

Piney:Mom!

Me:What?

Piney:I have a fork.

Me:O.K.

Piney:Mom!

Me:What?

Piney:I need water.

Piney:Mom!

Me:What?

Piney:My shirt is dirty.

Piney:Mom!

Me:What?

Piney:I took a big bite (demonstrates).

Piney:Mom!

Me:What?

Piney:My food looks like a worm.

Piney:Mom!

Me:What?

Piney:My plate is dirty. I need to clean it with a napkin.

Piney:Mom!

Me:What?

Piney:I want more.

Piney:Mom!

Me:What?

Piney:I have an owie on my foot.

Piney:Mom!

Me:What?

Piney:I went to school today.

Piney:Mom!

Me:What?

Piney:We had water day.

Piney:Mom!

Me:What?

Piney:I saw a bug outside the window.

Piney:Mom!

Me:What?

Piney:I jumped high today.

Piney:Mom!

Me:What?

Piney:I kept my underwear clean all day.

Piney:Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Piney:YOU HAVE TO SAY "WHAT"!

Me:There is a new rule that you can't say Mom during dinner.

(side comment by M: don't you think that's a little harsh? Geez!)

Piney: Jennefer! Jennefer! JENNEFER!

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors

We attended a large church conference on Sunday.

We sat in a pew behind a large Caucasian family that I did not know.

I noticed that they had a young Chinese boy with them (I learned later he was just 4).

I guessed he was adopted (he was).

They had bio children just younger and older than him in their family.

It was interesting to observe the family during the 2 hr. meeting.

I noticed that the Chinese boy cried more often than the bio kids (even the younger one) when faced with the same circumstances and situations as the other kids.

He made constant "light" noise such as humming, mumbling, and other such noises, while the bio kids were very quiet.

He was removed from the meeting for disruptions several times while the other kids were not, even the youngest child (age 2).

However, he was held less and shown affection less than the others.

I took notice of the amount of time the mother showed spontaneous affection to the other children, which was often, yet I noticed she gave none to the boy.

He did sit on his father's lap for a time.

I talked with the family after the meeting and they seemed to be very nice people.

They truly had big hearts. They said that the boy was no trouble at all (I guess having to remove him from the meeting several times was no trouble for them) and fit well in their family.

He had been a special needs child due to his cleft palate, but they had, had it fixed. He had been with them almost 2 years now.

I wondered if the relationship I observed was typical.

The adopted child being the neediest, but receiving the least amount of affection.

Why was this the case I wondered.

Perhaps it was because he was so needy, because he was disruptive or because something else was missing. Or perhaps this wasn't typical at all. I had only observed this family once over a 2 hr. period.

I couldn't compare it to my own family because I am too close to my own family to see things. I can't see the forest for the trees.

But I did decide that our family was different because my older boys are not very needy. So Piney doesn't need to fight for my attention from them.

This made me wonder if it isn't good to adopt if you have other small children.

Or maybe I shouldn't say that. Perhaps if this family hadn't stepped up, the boy wouldn't have a family at all. The boy may never had, had the surgery he needed. He wouldn't have the opportunities, or the experiences and relationships he will now be able to have.

Maybe adoption is always a good choice. What do you think?

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors

Pineapple used to tell me how she was going to fly out of her bedroom window

and up into the sky

to be with Santa Clause on his sleigh by the moon.

Well.

She figured out how to unlock and open her window and....

when everyone was going to bed....


She jumped out.



We are on the 5th floor of a high rise....



Luckily we have a little deck on the side of that part of the house that caught her fall.





We discovered her knocking on the outside door of the small side balcony that no one uses.



She wasn't hurt.

But the worrisome thing is that all of the windows around our apartment unlock the same way-

and if she tries flying out another window there will be no balcony to catch her.



Perhaps she knew that the little balcony would catch her.

I hope so.

You never know what her imaginary Santa might be telling her to do.

Any advice? Besides move all furniture away from the windows?

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors

My Child Has An Imaginary Friend

At first all of the talk of Santa Clause around and after Christmas

from Piney was novel and cute...

But recently I have been a little troubled by her incessant talking about Santa when it is five months after Christmas.

And then I realized.

Oh my gosh. Santa is her imaginary friend.

Piney: Santa used to be at my old house all the time. He isn't at this house as much.

Me: Is he here now?

Piney: Yes.

Me: Does Santa sleep with you in your room?

Piney: Yes. He lives in my room.

Me: Really.

Piney: Sometimes I kick him like this.

Me: That isn't very nice.

Piney: Sometimes he gives me high fives.

Me: Really. Hmmmm. Oh Look at this mess. Did you do this?

Piney: No, my Santa Clause did it.

Me: O I see. Who is this Santa Clause? Is Santa an old man?

Piney: No. Santa Clause is a woman.

Me: Is he here now?

Piney: No, not now.

Me: Where did he go?

Piney: He went to a party. He'll be back.

Me: Does he go to a lot of parties?

Piney: Ya. He LOVES parties....

Sometimes the conversations get quite interesting. I think she has had an imaginary friend for a long time- but it is only since Christmas that she gave the friend a name. And how perfect-
a name associated with excitement and anticipation.

The question now is how to handle it.

Any ideas?

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors, Russian Pineapple Princess: our adopted daughter

I totally believe in information overload...

and choice overload...

I don't like having so many choices.

For example, I want a simple washing machine that has one button: Wash.

Not a trillion different settings and temperatures and options.

Too many choices make me cry.

So how can I blame Piney?

I usually get her dressed and ready in the morning.

I pick out her outfit.

But I thought- you know- she is getting older. She needs choices.

So instead of choosing her one outfit (of which she wears happily)

I gave her three coordinated outfits to choose from.

But she didn't want any of the three outfits. She wanted to make her own outfit from the drawer. (i.e. I want to wear pink open-toed sandals that school doesn't allow with a belt that makes it impossible to go potty)

I stood firm. She needed to choose from the three outfits I had set out for her.

TANTRUM.

So I went straight back to choosing for her.

And I realized- that is what I want too. I want someone to choose my daily outfit.

One less thing to think about- Have it all coordinated, cleaned, pressed and laid out on my bed every morning. Mmmmm

I know choices are important (freedom and all that), but could we slow it down a bit?

I mean I am inundated with a million choices the moment I turn on my computer every morning!

O.K Go ahead and say it:

"Don't turn on your computer then."

Nevermind. I like choices.


Sometimes.

What do you think?

Are there too many buttons to push on your cell phone? Too many outfits in your closet? Too much jewelry in your jewelry box? Too many emails in your inbox?

Or are you happy with all your choices?

P.S. Yea! Finally NEW photos on the photo blog from Sunday. Check them out!

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors

I know this post doesn't change the world, but adopting and raising an adopted child is a great thing that can help change the world (what if everybody did it!).

And if you are considering it or have done it, it is truly a labor of love.

Rewarding as it is; however, it doesn't make it easy.
But that is the case with raising all children.

A typical day with Piney starts out with her waking me up.
"Wake up! Wake up! The sun is awake!" she says.

No sleeping in possible. She will literally pull me off the bed if I try to pretend she is a dream.

She usually likes to get dressed right away.

Then she wants to be fed.
"Come on mama! EAT! EAT! EAT!"
She pulls my arm into the kitchen.
I offer her some food.
She says, "NO!" and opens the fridge, "I want that!"
I respond with, "No. You do not open the fridge. I prepare the breakfast. We are having this other thing today. It is what I am serving."
"NO! NO! NO! I DON'T WANT IT!"
I try to give it to her. She refuses to eat it or take it.
I give in because I don't want to have to feed her breakfast again later.
I then call the boys in and serve them the original breakfast.
Since she sees the boys eating the original breakfast she refuses to eat her "special" food from the fridge and wants what they are having.
She throws her "special" food in the sink or in the trash.
When she has finished the food, she wants to eat her "special" food again. Then she wants seconds and thirds and something new.
If I say "no she has had enough" she starts crying. "I hungry mama! I hungry!" - Even though she has just eaten twice as much as everyone else in the family.
This happens in reverse at dinner when she refuses to eat everything we give her (unless it's ice cream).

Often she will say she wants to go somewhere, but when we arrive she doesn't want to go there now.

She asks me to do things all day for her, but when I do she has to do it by herself.

She never lets me bake or cook alone. She always pulls up a chair and insists on taking over.

She tells me what to do and if I do it as directed she says, "Great Job! Give me a hug!" or "Give me a kiss!"

Just like an adult.

She likes to completely take over and be totally in charge. Everything has to be done to her specifications.

It is like having a very demanding boss.

However, I am stubborn and I don't do most of what she asks when she is acting bossy, and when I don't she usually backs down only to try a new approach a few minutes later.

She is a take charge girl. She is smart and she wants things done right, or at least her way.
She has to have the right cup. The right plate. If she wants a whole cookie she will not accept half of it.
The whole cookie or no cookie.
When she sets the table it has to be just so. She thinks about it. She counts the plates.
When she can't do something she has to know why.

If M and I have gone out and we return she runs to us with a big hug. Every time.

If I put lotion on my hands she needs lotion. If I blow dry my hair she needs to do it too. If I put make up on she needs to wear it. If I am using the bathroom, she has to use it. Sometimes she simply follows me around the house.

She loves school and has never had a discipline problem.
She admires herself for long periods of time in front of the mirror. Especially if I just did her hair or put a dress on her.
She is vigilant about wanting to brush her teeth and wash her hands. She picks trash up off the ground. She wants to clean everything. "I want to mop mama! PLEASE! I NEED to mop!"

She also likes to take care of people. She has a lot of imaginary hurts, but she also notices every little bump or scratch I get. She makes a big deal out of it and wants to take care of me. She doesn't like it when I say it is no big deal.

I recently found my Ipod that she took to a secret hiding place in the bottom of the sleeping bag closet. It had been missing for a month.
I find all sorts of strange things in her room.

She is assertive, strong-willed, extroverted and opinionated. Oh and she likes to talk non-stop. Now that she is getting speech services we are starting to understand the talk. I am trying to figure out which was worse.
Since our family is really pretty quiet and introverted she dominates all of us in that area.

At night she has to read me the stories. She usually allows me to read her one book and then she has to read all of the rest.

If I try to kiss her goodnight she says, "No mama! You don't kiss me! I kiss you!"
I stay still for her kiss because I know- It's her way or the highway.

I was thinking about getting this shirt for her.
What do you think?

Does your preschooler act the same way?

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors, Russian Pineapple Princess: our adopted daughter

I just couldn't do it. I lasted all day long with no computer or TV until it reached 7:30 PM and then I just couldn't go one more minute or I was going to die. Really I promise. So I had to come in here and get on the Internet and read news about the primary election and now I am blogging.

But I am going to be brief and then I promise to go and read stories to Pineapple and put her to bed. As well as help with last minute homework and get everyone else to bed.

So I wrote this list because I have seriously had people tell me that because Pineapple was adopted at 2 from a Russian orphanage that she will never be as smart as other kids her age. That no matter what I do for her she will always be behind. That is just ridiculous in my opinion. She may have some special needs all her life, but certainly the adoption thing doesn't mean she will always be behind. So here are....

10 Reasons why Pineapple will get a perfect score on her SAT, learn several languages, be president of several clubs, play at least 3 different instruments, be captain of sports teams, get the lead in the school play, retain a 4.0, log 5,000 hours of community service before college, win several awards, and be valedictorian.... (no pressure or anything ha ha).....


1. She waited until Link babysat before she asked for her large box of ribbons, barrettes, clips, bead necklaces and bracelets down to play with and break apart and scatter all over her floor because she knew that neither me, M or Ender would have fallen for that.

2. When she wants to bring her bike into the house she makes sure no one is around and then she props the door open with a shoe so that she won't get locked out of the house and noiselessly pushes it into the apartment.

3. When she goes around diaper-less she makes sure that she carries around a pad to sit on wherever she goes.

4. We may forget to give her a treat when she goes potty, but she never does.

5. She always reminds us that she is going to visit Mickey Mouses house soon and Santa Claus is coming too. Also, if she can't find something like a puzzle piece, she reasures us that Santa Claus will bring it to her soon (because he is coming on Valentine's Day).

6. She realizes that if she claims everything as hers the odds are we will give her some of the things.

7. She figured out how to open the fridge lock and get out the whip cream.

8. If mama says no she runs to papa.

9. She knows if she jumps on mama's back mama might get off the computer

10. Every supermodel and celebrity she sees on magazine covers is always her mama ("Look mama it's you!").

I told you she was smart.

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors, Russian Pineapple Princess: our adopted daughter

Pineapple has been making strides towards being totally potty-trained, but she has still had her fair share of poopy panties.

It has been driving me crazy!

I can't take it, because I know that she can go in the potty if she wants to.

Seriously, one more cleaning of poopy underwear in the toilet is going to take me over the edge.

I still keep her pantie-free under her dress for a large portion of the day and she goes to the potty 100% of the time when she is like that. The problem is that she cries and begs me for underwear and my boys strongly dislike it. Also, no one likes it when she is crawling on beds and couches without underwear. So I give in and then she poops in them.

I seriously have to go into the bathroom, shut the door alone and count to 20 before I can come out sane and wash another poopy pantie.



Any suggestions on the potty training marathon would be appreciated.

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors

Being at my wits end with the potty training thing our newest idea is to let Pineapple run around diaper-less with her dress on (for modesty).

She eats her meals while sitting on the potty. A low chair is her table.

This may be a dangerous strategy, but all of the other ideas quickly lost her interest after a week or two (the dancing, the high-fives, the hoorays, the treats) until she stopped going potty altogether.

However, we know she can go potty every time because she has demonstrated that, she just doesn't want to anymore because the novelty has worn off.

So therefore- the diaper-less idea has just been implemented.

This goes right along with the other changes we have been trying out because less diapers helps the environment and saves money.

This is what I have learned-

Environmentalism leads to healthier living which also leads to frugal living which leads to simple living (anti-consumerism) which leads to accumulating wealth (saving money) which leads to being able to give to and support good causes.


It is a circle and I believe that it is the way God intended us all to live.

Check out the links and you will see what I mean!

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors

I know that I said I was going to finish up with my “Passed On Adoption Child Care Advice” and then I didn’t. So here is all the rest that I have. I have separated them into sections. I know some of you are saying to yourself: “Please don’t give me advice. I will figure out intuitively what to do to care for my child because I will know my child and we will figure it out together. Every child is different.” This is absolutely true. However, sometimes people are frustrated because they tried to go with their gut and it didn’t work. Two examples are

1- A friend of mine who adopted a boy and a girl from Russia said to me that she had not read any adoption books or gone to any seminars or talked to anyone about adoption before she adopted. When she got her kids home she didn’t have any trouble with her son, but her daughter had attachment issues. Although she didn’t know they were attachment issues, she thought they were behavior issues. So, who did she go to for help? Her mother of course. Her mother told her all of the things you should do for a biological child, which in many instances (in regards to attachment) is exactly the opposite of what you should do for an adopted child, but neither of them knew this. So for at least two years she struggled with this child, doing all of the stuff that “mom” said to do. It was only until she finally decided to read about adopted kids that she discovered that she had been doing everything wrong (ex. letting her cry it out alone, constant time outs alone, no attachment activities, etc.)

2- Someone recently wrote in to one of the adoption threads talking about the frustrations of keeping her adopted toddler potty trained. She was told that her 2 year old was totally dry at the orphanage and so expected her child to be totally potty trained at home. Her daughter didn’t act potty trained at home at all. This caused a huge amount of stress and unnecessary parent- child struggles. (Please see untoilet training 101) The responses to this post were so excellent. The threads are really a great resource.

When I hear about these types of situations I always wonder why they didn’t read up on this stuff before the problems. I am glad that both of these moms found help eventually, but why wait? If you learn the possible needs of an adopted child before going into it you will be so much better off. I think that could save a lot of headaches. I am not saying that one size fits all, or that this is the answer necessarily, but this “advice” is something to consider. Certainly this “advice” is not comprehensive, so please read books, talk to experienced parents and ask questions. I know I am preaching to the choir here, but my thought is that if any of this helps even one person than it is worth posting.

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors, after adoption: transitioning successfully

Be patient with tantrums. Don’t get upset yourself. Do not yell at your child to stop screaming. (Easier said then done, I know) Rock, pat, feed, soothe as best as you can, give medicine as needed if sick .

Rage and rejection can be common. Some of these children are still grieving the loss of their birth mom or orphanage caregivers. Support them in this grief and anger by being understanding and sympathetic.

Never spank an adopted child as they can connect this with possible earlier child abuse.

Try to always use a soothing voice. It matters more how you sound than what you say.

Instead of time outs, better to have time ins- where the child is removed from the situation and place on a chair or into another room while you remain with the child. Don’t leave the child alone.

Assess: is your child hungry, tired, needs a diaper change, over stimulated, jealous? Figure out what is the underlining problem and attend to it.

Expect your child to try to be in control of all situations (what he or she will eat, how, where, when to sleep, what to play with, using the “right” utensil, etc.). Accommodate these things at first. As attachment progresses let the child relinquish more control to you. Sometimes tell the child whatever he or she is doing is exactly what you wanted the child to do as a transition to obedience and relinquishing control.Never ask child's permission to do something yourself (Not- is that or this OK? Only change it if severe reaction) Act like you are in charge. Don’t give a lot of choices (either you pick or let the child choose between two options).

As children get older punishments for disobeying could include: jumping jacks, push-ups, run up and down the stairs, jump rope (get out their energy and get back in control).

Attachment Activities

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors, after adoption: transitioning successfully

If the child is between 1½ - 3 yrs old don't try to keep the potty training going from the orphanage- even if they said your child is totally dry.

Let them regress back into diapers until they are older and then slowly start up with the toilet training again.

Don't get angry if they aren’t successful at first, but be diligent in having them sit on the potty periodically- Just for fun, not to stress out over.

Use pullups, not underwear. Underwear will only frustrate you. Eventually they will want to go to the potty themselves towards the 3-4 yr. age and then you can switch over. Teach proper hygiene. (Of course their will always be that unusual child that is truly potty trained at 1 ½ , but don’t plan on that child being yours)

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors, after adoption: transitioning successfully

To help facilitate attachment let the young child or baby sleep in your bed with you at first, then slowly transition to a crib or bed next to yours (fall asleep in your bed and then move when asleep) or fall asleep in their bed next to yours while you rub the child’s back. After awhile (3-6 mo) transition the child in to his or her bedroom. Stay with the child while they fall asleep and then go out.

This applies to younger or older children: It is important to have a bedtime ritual every night (brush teeth, bath, p.j.’s, story (sit close), rocking, rub back). Never skip even a portion of this ritual every night. Rocking/ holding time most important. Let the child regress- hold, or sit close, for toddlers- use a bottle, go back to diapers. Read a lot of age appropriate books, including age-appropriate books about adoption. Bottles should never be propped or left in the child’s bed. Soft blanket is good.

Never let a child self-soothe or rock him or herself- if they start to do this pick them up and rock while holding. You be the soother whenever possible.

Never let your adopted child cry it out alone. Always attend to the child at any hour.

Some children need music or white noise in the background to sleep.

Don’t let the child wake up alone at first.

Any other suggestions? Like how to get your child to sleep on the plane?

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors, after adoption: transitioning successfully, international adoption: worries

It is time to focus back on adoption. This is an adoption blog after all. I was going to write down for myself some of the things that I have gleaned from books and advice from others, and I thought why not just share it with you all. What I would like to do is start a discussion on a new topic each day over the next week. Let me know what you think of this “advice” I have been given. Do you think it is good advice? Is there anything you could add to it?

Preparing for Your Adopted Child to Come Home

Learn some basics of your child’s language. Learn about your child’s birth country.

Create a nurturing environment for the child to come home to. Child- proof your home. If you don’t want your child to get into it, move it. Don’t expect your child to “learn” to not get into things at first.

Purchase soft, comfortable clothes and bedding for your child. Make sure you have purchased all of the necessary items. Click here for a list.

Begin your child’s Life Book (More on Life Books later). Figure out what you will tell your child about his or her personal life story in as positive light as you can while remaining truthful.

Be aware that your child might reject you at first. Give it some time. Don’t expect your child to immediately love you and want your affection. On the other hand, your child may cling to your affection like there is no tomorrow.

Be prepared that caring for your child is going to take a lot of physical and emotional energy, and you may be required to have this energy at the same time that you are feeling sleep deprived due to continual awakenings by your child.

Find out everything you possibly can about your child when at the orphanage, so you can incorporate it into life at home.

Take a long time transitioning your child out of the orphanage. Say good bye to everyone. Take your time. Take lots of pics. Have the caregivers sign an autograph book for your child. Make sure your child sees the caregivers are happy about you coming for him or her. If possible, bring something home from the orphanage (a blanket, toy, etc. for a transition object). Replace it with a new one.

Try to feed your child a similar diet as was in orphanage at first and slowly introduce new foods. Possible foods: formula, baby foods, cut up hot dogs, meatloaf, chicken, vegetable soup, yogurt, white cheese, oatmeal, fruits, crackers, bread, chocolate milk- carnation instant breakfast

Visit your child’s pediatrician (get vaccinations), dentist and early intervention specialist or attachment therapist as soon as possible. Make appointments ahead- before you adopt. Many times new patients require several months before they can get an appointment.

Write potential daily schedule/rituals. Example: Cuddle time w/ bottle, breakfast food, clean-up, playtime, reading, snack, nap, outside time, exercise time, dinner time, bed time

Diaper Bag should include: Changing pad, diapers, travel wipes, blanket, change of clothes, hat, sunscreen , bug lotion, toys, books, snacks in small Tupperware (crackers, cheerios, etc.), juice boxes, sippy cups, bottles

First few months should be quiet, without a lot of visitors, no babysitters.

Allow at least 2 weeks for child to adjust to time change- helps to bring her outside

Before bringing the child into the bath fill up the bath tub and test the water. Usually kids like the water a little cooler than adults. Don’t fill up the tub with the child in the tub- this could be loud and scary. Don’t fill the bath too high with water- keep it shallow. Use bath toys. Use a bath mat, spout cover and little shampoo visor to keep water out of eyes. You could try soft music in the background to calm child. At first hold all of your attention on the child the whole time. Let her get used to baths before really concerning yourself with him getting really clean. Don't drain the water out with the child in the tub. Do this when the child is out of the bathroom (again, this can be scary). Children are always freezing when getting out of a tub, so get a towel around him right away and gently dry your child. Cover child in lotion. Put on warm fluffy p.j.s or clothes.

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors, after adoption: transitioning successfully, international adoption: worries

The following are some adoption books that I checked out from the library. There are many other adoption books that I would like to purchase and check out that are not listed here. As I get other books I will review those.

One thing I found was that I was biased toward newer books. I had preconceived ideas that they were better before even opening them- and lo and behold- most were. So, I am not sure if this is because they REALLY were, or because my bias made me think that.

Parent Books:

The Russian Adoption Handbook by John McClean 2004 O.K. this book is essential for anyone adopting from Russia. Although the organization could be improved upon, I have found this book to be the most important book in my adoption process thus far. It tells you what to do next when you feel a roadblock coming on. It answers your questions and leads you by the hand from start to finish. Thumbs up.

The Adoption Life Cycle by Elinor B. Rosenberg 1992 I voted a thumbs down for this book. Not only because it smelled musty, but because her underlining feelings were that adoption is unnatural and fails to meet the needs of all parties involved, so here is what you can do to make the best out of a bad situation.

Making Sense of Adoption by Lois Ruskai Melina 1989. O.K. I know that this book is ancient history because it was written the year I graduated from high school, but it is still a useful book, so thumbs up. The book is basically a resource to help you talk to your child about adoption and the issues that surround it at different stages in his or her life. It stresses the rights of the child to know the truth about who they are, and how they joined their current family right from the start.

Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff 1997 Thumbs up to this engaging short read. It follows the story of a domestic adoption of a child from a different race. Even though this may or may not be your story, what makes it universally appealing, besides the great flow of the story, are the “secret thoughts of the adoptive mother”. She says things in the book that all adoptive parents probably think, but are afraid to say out loud or even think too loudly. It is a comforting book in that regard and helps calm fears and anxieties.

Keys to Parenting an Adopted Child by Kathy Lancaster 1996 I had to vote thumbs down on this book because although there was a lot of great topics, such as; adoption successes, raising well-adjusted children, issues for your child, and special risk issues- the solutions were just too general and vague. There wasn’t enough concrete and useful information.

Attaching in Adoption by Deborah D. Gray 2002 I realize that this book has been highly praised and a lot of people love it, but I have to give it a thumbs down because I found it to be too technical. There was too much explaining about what is attachment disorder than what to do about it. Little stories of various case scenarios is supposed to be the way you are to decipher what to do in your specific case. I found, however; that it was tedious to wade through all of the stories that I may or may not relate to. Too many anecdotal stories about other people’s adoptions made me discard this book.

Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory C. Keck 2002 A big thumbs up here. It was engaging to read and filled with practical and useful information for adopting children who have been living in orphanages- or any child with a hurtful past. A whole chapter is devoted to attachment activities that are great ideas- not the same general stuff repeated from other sources – but new fresh ideas. I am talking pages and pages of ideas. I loved this whole book. Highly recommended.

Toddler Adoption- The Weaver’s Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best (1997)If you are adopting a toddler (especially internationally) this is an essential book to read. I heard before I read it that it is a really hard book to read – that it might scare you out of adopting. I didn’t find that to be the case at all. The book was interesting, but not compelling. I mean I didn’t just devour it, but I wanted to read it and I got a lot out of it. I think this book is important because it addresses issues such as what to expect of your toddler when he or she comes home with you. There is a little too much information about what the caregivers should do. I doubt the orphanage caregivers will be reading this book. However, there is also a lot of good information for the parents about understanding the child’s transition (from orphanage to home), your child’s development, and the child’s grief, attachment, managing your child’s behavior and taking care of yourself. There are some practical useful suggestions in here. I liked it because it was toddler specific and not too general. My copy has been thoroughly read and underlined throughout. I learned a lot with this one. Thumbs up.

Yes, You Can Adopt! by Richard Mintzer (2003) If you want to try out this book, I recommend checking it out from the library, rather than purchasing it because it is too general- unless you have just decided that you want to adopt and you want to read about every possible path. However, if you know what type of adoption you are going for, or if you are along the process at all than this is not for you. It gives a basic overview about making the adoption decision, preparing for adoption, the homestudy, domestic, independent and international adoption choices. It also touches generally on adoption in the media, adoption fraud, open adoption, adopted & biological children, relative adoption, gay & lesbian adoption, single parent adoption, financing your adoption, positive adoption language, sharing information about your adoption and adoptees: understanding adoption. Overall I felt like the book was easy to read and understand with some good information, but was too general and broad for me to get much out of it. For an overview book though I give it a thumbs up.

The Post-Adoption Blues by Karen J. Foli and John R. Thompson (2004)I wanted to like this book more than I did because I think there is a big need for such a book. What is great about this book is that it talks about feelings (secret feelings) that you may have about your adoption, that you don’t feel you can express- and if you do have these feelings, to realize that you are normal and not alone. The message also comes across that you need to have realistic expectations of yourself. This book could be a God-send to someone who is going through post-adoption depression, which according to this book is quite a large percentage of adoptive parents. It might speak to your hurting soul. However, it won’t give you a whole lot of advice about what to do about it besides seeking professional help. However, there is a personal assessment you can take of yourself if you think you have the post-adoption blues in chapter 13 and in chapters 14 and 15 there are some coping strategies and ways to help you identify the problems. I found those chapters to be potentially the most useful. Thumbs up.

The Complete Adoption Book by Laura Beauvais-Godwin and Ramond Godwind (2005)This book says that it is a complete guide, and that is the biggest problem with it. It is just too huge and general. I found only two chapters that applied to my personal situation and the information was too general to be worth anything. This book is even more general than Yes! You can adopt. I say, skip this one. If you want an overview get the Yes! You can adopt book. Thumbs down.

The Family of Adoption by Joyce Maguire Pavao (2005) This book has some interesting adoption stories (scenarios). She tells stories to teach points about adoption. The stories are from all different types of situations. I read some of them, but did not feel compelled to read them all. Overall I didn't really like it. Thumbs down.

Becoming a Family by Lark Eshleman (2003) This was the first book that I read after deciding on adoption and I loved it. It is a short book with lots of practical advice. I read the whole thing very quickly and took lots of notes. The book focuses on attachment, preparing to bring your child home and getting the proper health care, school services and therapy that may be required for your child. The book is assuming you are adopting a baby or toddler. Thumbs up.

Raising Adopted Children by Lois Ruskai Melina (1998) This book is not specific and refers to all adopted children. It is not about taking you down the path to adoption; it is about raising your adopted child. The book addresses- transitioning the child into the family and attachment issues, talking about adoption with your child, how adoption affects the family, adoption risks, behavior issues, cultural identity, etc. However, there were a lot of chapters that I felt didn’t apply to everyone who has adopted children (i.e. chapters on special needs, racism, contact with birth parents, and special situations). For this reason I would recommend you check this out from a library if you are interested in it, rather than purchase it so you can read just the chapters that fit your child. Overall it is a high quality book with useful information. Thumbs up (a little reluctant with this vote)

Children’s Books: (All of the children books were read to my 7 year-old son, so I could get his reaction as well)

Did My First Mother Love Me? by Kathryn Ann Miller 1994. I voted thumbs up for this book because it is very readable, engaging and comforting. It is interesting right away even for a young child. However, the book revolves around a letter written by the birth mother to her child of how much she loved the child and wanted the best for her, but couldn’t take care of her. So, if you know that the reality of this story is WAY off base for your child, I would skip this one.

Emma’s Yucky Brother by Jean Little 2001.Thumbs down for this book because there was too much about brothers being pests, the misbehavior of the adopted child – he calls his sister Yucky Emma. I just felt the whole story was negative, but then it had one page- the last page where everyone is happy and gets along. NEXT.

The Sea Chest by Toni Buzzeo 2002. Thumbs down on this book because it bored my seven-year-old and I to tears. It is written in beautiful poetry form that went way above my 7 year- old’s head. It is also quite lengthy. However, I have to admit that when I got to the page where they opened the treasure chest and found the baby washed up on the shore, I had to choke back some tears. It is also beautifully illustrated.

Over the Moon by Karen Katz 1997. Thumbs up for this story about an interracial, international adoption from a tropical place. The story is entertaining and colorful. However, your Russian child might not relate exactly.

Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis 1996. Thumbs up for this adoption story. Illustrations are fun. Writing is clever and gets to the point. Expresses well the emotions of the adoptive parents. Shows parents flying on a plane to meet child. It does refer to how the mother couldn’t grow a baby in her tummy- which may or may not apply to you. It also refers to the child being picked up from a hospital and being an infant, but the birthmother is not pictured.

Beginnings by Virginia Kroll I have to say thumbs down to this story that contains several short stories about how different families came to be- all of them but one- are an adoption situation. Overall I found it too long and wordy. The stories were too specific for that child, so I doubt anyone could totally relate to any of the stories.

Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies by Ann Turner 1990. I am only giving this a thumbs down because the story is about a child traveling from a tropical place to the adoptive parents. I like that it comes from the perspective of the child and talks about his fears flying in the plane to meet his new parents, but I have never heard of this arrangement. How convenient- the parents just wait at home while their child is personally delivered to them. Does this ever happen in the adoption world? Other than that, this is a great book- especially the bonding time between the parents and child after they are united.

When I Met You- A Story of Russian Adoption by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista
Of course I am going to love this story of a little girl adopted from Russia because it is my dream story. It is a treasure for parents who have adopted from Eastern Europe and for all adoptive parents who want to share a story that illustrates the beauty of international adoption. The book is simple to understand even for a small child, but interesting enough for an older child. The pictures and words are comforting and moving. It gently tells the story of a child transitioning from an orphanage setting to a family setting. It shows how the child has grown and blossomed from the love of her family. You feel the joy of the parents welcoming her into their home and hearts. It also ties in the value and importance of the child’s culture and beginnings. At the end of the book there is a fun little activity where the child can find images (such as a butterfly) that were in the story and say the word in English and Russian. This book is a must have. It will be treasured for many years by this family. Big thumbs up for this one. Ms. Bashista also has a newer Russian adoption book out called: Mishka


Mommy Far, Mommy Near by Carol Antoinette Peacock
This is the type of book to check out at the library. It is too long to read over and over, but worth a look. The book starts out great. It describes a young girl adopted from China. The story is told by the child. She describes herself in a positive way. Her high self-esteem shines through. She describes the times she spends with her mom looking at her life book and doing some attachment activities. She also explains in a comforting way about how she came into the family. She pretends to talk to her birth mom on the phone and tells her how happy she is in her new home and with her new family. The only thing I didn’t like about it is that it states the reason the child was put up for adoption was because China made a rule that each family could only have one child. Her mother couldn’t keep her because she already had a child. She wanted to, but was not allowed. The only problem with this is since there isn’t an equivalent “rule” in other countries it might make your child feel like the birth parents could have kept him or her and they might consequently feel sad. However, the book has some really good parts. Perhaps a reader could just skip over the parts that don't fit or change it slightly. A really cute part is when the girl adopts her own babies (stuffed animals). It also deals with racial differences within the family in an understanding way.

A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza
The thing I like about this book is that even though Choco is a boy bird, the fact that he is a bird makes the story seem genderless, so it is automatically appealing to boys and girls. This is a good book for kids who are feeling like they don’t quite fit in to their new family based on appearance. The book starts off as he starts walking around looking for a mother (he seems to have lost his). He tries to find a mother that has at least one characteristic trait as him (i.e. we are both yellow). However, he ends up with Mrs. Bear as his new mother who doesn’t have any physical characteristics as him. Mrs. Bear has one thing the others don’t: she loves Choco. The two spend some fun times together. When Mrs. Bear brings Choco home for the first time he finds that she has other children as well, all of which are different (a hippo, piggy and alligator). Despite these differences they all love each other very much. I think all kids could benefit from this book with its teachings of love and acceptance of differences.

I Love You Like Crazy Cakes by Rose Lewis
I like how this book starts out “Once upon a time…” like a fairy tale. The book flows well and presents a clear message. It is easy to understand and says a lot in a few words. Unlike When I Met You and Mommy Far, Mommy Near that show young children as their main subject (while looking back over their lives), this book shows the child as an older infant the whole time. This may or may not appeal to you. The story takes you through the whole international adoption process (China) in an abbreviated manner with carefully chosen, thoughtful words. It is tender without being mushy. The illustrations are wonderful and I especially like the Chinese character for love on the last page. No matter where you are adopting from, this book shows the basic process and love of an adoptive family. This book is a keeper.

If you have read other adoption books that you recommend please suggest them, or if you have read any of the above books and agree or disagree with my review please speak up. Other than that, all other comments are welcome.

Labels: adoption resources: best books, adoption: difficult child behaviors, after adoption: difficult child behaviors, best books for adopted preschooler, self help for adoptive moms

JAMA is the premier medical research publication. So when JAMA speaks, people pay attention. JAMA’s recent article on adoption is very important news. Here is a summary of their findings.

JAMA. 2005;293:2501-2515

“International adoption involves more than 40,000 children a year moving among more than 100 countries. Before adoption, international adoptees often experience insufficient medical care, malnutrition, maternal separation, and neglect and abuse in orphanages.”

1. Adoptees (both within and between countries) presented more behavior problems than non-adoptees, but effect sizes were very small.

2. Adoptees were over-represented in mental health services and this effect size was large. Although most international adoptees are well-adjusted, they are referred to mental health services more often than non-adopted controls.

3. International adoptees showed more behavior problems than nonadopted controls, but effect sizes were very small.

4. Contrary to their expectations, international adoptees showed fewer total, externalizing and internalizing behavior problems than domestic adoptees.

5. International adoptees were less often referred to mental health services than domestic adoptees.

6. International adoptees with pre-adoption adversity showed more total problems and externalizing problems than international adoptees without evidence of extreme deprivation.

7. Contrary to their expectations, age at adoption does not appear to be important for the development of behavioral problems.

8. They found no significant differences between male and female international adoptees for total behavior problems.

9. Contrary to their expectations, they found that international adoptees presented fewer total behavior problems in adolescence compared with international adoptees in early and middle childhood.

10. Children who had been with their adoptive family for more than 12 years showed fewer total behavior problems than children who had been with the family for less than 12 years.

11. Normative crises in adopted children, eg, coming to terms with the loss of their birth family, may be misperceived as behavior problems.

12. Children placed in adoptive families with relatively lower socioeconomic status have more favorable outcomes than those placed with more privileged families.



Femmie Juffer; Marinus H. van IJzendoorn
Behavior Problems and Mental Health Referrals of International Adoptees: A Meta-analysis
JAMA 2005 293: 2501-2515

I am going to put in my opinion here. I think perhaps the reason they found that international adoptees presented fewer total behavior problems compared with domestic adoptees is because they are including the older children that have been adopted domestically after they have gone through our horrible foster care system. Frankly, I think being kept in a Russian orphanage is preferable to being tossed around from home to home in the U.S. Some of the foster parents here are saints, but others are just in it for the money. Just the idea of being rejected time and time again and trying to adjust into a new family would lead almost anyone to behavior problems in my estimation.

What do you think about these findings? To me, the ones that are most intriguing are #7 and #12.

Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors, after adoption: transitioning successfully, international adoption: worries