A lot of great comments about the upcoming presidential election on my last post.

I think that it's great people feel very passionate about the issues, much better than a nation full of apathetics.

However, at some point the debate gets to be too much and I need to pull away from it all and focus on other things- Things that I have personal control over.

Sometimes with elections I can feel like things are so much out of my hands. So I came up with a list of ways I can personally improve my life and the world.

See HERE.

I am not doing well at these at all.

This morning I was making sandwiches for lunch boxes. I was so excited to try out my kid's new lunch boxes. Ya. I am as pathetic as that- a new lunch box makes me excited.

Anyway, I thought I would just make an extra sandwich for Piney's breakfast since I was making peanut butter sandwiches for my sons anyway.

So she comes in the kitchen and I cheerfully tell her that I have made her this sandwich.

She starts up, "No! Mama! No! NO!!!! I want TREAT cereal! I won't eat it! I want cereal! CEREAL!!"

I know from experience that if I give her the sandwich now she will throw it on the floor and refuse it. If I make her skip breakfast than she will be more cranky, whiny and irritable than usual to deal with and will not let up demanding cereal for the next few hours.

So I silently get out the cereal for her.

Then we take M to work so I can have the car today because I need to go to the grocery store.

On the way home Piney is yelling, "I WANT to go to work too!! I don't WANT to go home! NO! I don't WANT to go home! NO!!!!! NO!!!!!!" This demanding is non-stop until we pull into our parking spot.

I have to pull her out of the car because she is refusing to get out, and drag her to the elevator and up to our apartment.

Inside I turn on the TV because I know Sesame Street is about to start. There are still a few more minutes before it starts, but she wants it to start NOW. Piney: "I WANT to watch Sesame Street NOW!" repeated 100 times every 30 seconds. She is so angry that it hasn't started at the exact moment that she wants it to that she goes up to me and hits me as hard as she can in the arm.

Up to this point I have been patient and not gotten angry, but this is where I lose it.

Ya. I suck.

Any advice?

Labels: adoption: difficult child behaviors

Sometimes I get frustrated because I don't know how to respond to Piney's behavior.

M always says, "Just do your best."

But I don't know what my best is because I don't know what the best response is.

He says, "Just handle it like you handled the boys at her age."

But there are many problems with that. For one, I can't remember our boys doing what she does- they might have, but it was too long ago for me to remember- and I certainly don't remember how I responded. Also, I don't know if she is acting out due to adoption/institution related issues or if she is just going through a normal phase and I shouldn't worry about it. Furthermore, I don't know if she should have a different response than a child who hasn't had her type of past.

So let's just take a look at what is going on.

I pick her up from school and she has pooped in her pants again.

Did I mention that she has been in the 3 year old class for over a month now? This is the class where you are supposed to be totally potty trained. She was staying dry in her 2 year old class for a long time, so they graduated her.

Now, she is reverting. When I ask her why she pooped in her underwear she usually responds with I forgot, or I was too tired, I didn't want to or something that shows she simply chose to not go.

But it doesn't stop there. I also get a note saying the following:

A boy in Piney's class was bending down to pick up a toy he dropped and when he was bent over Piney kicked him in the face. She would not apologize and said she didn't do it even though the teacher saw it happen.

When I asked her about it she said she didn't do it, and instead what happened is that Santa Claus was punching her in the face again.

As I have written before, Piney has been a model student. I never heard anything but praises. However, lately I have been getting some kind of bad report daily.

Later on at home....

I have asked Piney several times to stay out of the fridge. I tell her that if she comes to me and tells me that she is hungry I will make something for her. She refuses to listen to this. So, I often find partially eaten fruit in the fridge. I worry about this because the fruit has not been washed.

But yesterday took the cake.

I told her that it was time for bed. She didn't want to go to bed, so as I attended to some things with the boys she snuck into the kitchen, opened the fridge and got out a jar of chocolate syrup. She took off the lid and stuck her hands in it and started eating as much as her little hands could hold. She got chocolate all over her face, hands, clothes, the floor and the fridge. The dirty chocolate jar would have to be tossed now.

I came in to put her to bed and I was dumbfounded. I felt like I had just left her out of my sight for 5 minutes at the most. She looked at me with the guiltiest look you have ever seen. She knew that what she had done was wrong.

I did not know how to respond. Usually we spend a nice time together when I put her to bed.
We read stories, we make the bed up with the right stuffed animals, etc. But after cleaning her and everything up I just couldn't get myself to do that. I didn't yell or get mad, my mind was racing as to what to do, how to handle it and I didn't know.

It felt like she needed some kind of consequence. I knew from past experience that she does not listen to me when I just ask her nicely to stay out of the fridge. I did not know what to do.

Our solution: I told her that I was unhappy with her choice to get into the fridge and M put her to bed because I just couldn't do it.

I feel like I need to address these behavior problems, but I am at a loss because she is still very needy and very insecure.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Labels: adoption: difficult child behaviors

The first time we saw Pineapple she was emotionless

Bubbles? Toys? No Smiles.

At 18 months old- no response. No restlessness when we held her. No movement.

She sat perfectly still. Did not even move her head.

We were told that she was well-behaved and that she liked to dance.

Really? We thought. She can barely stand.

On our return 6 months later she still seemed a bit melancholy, but she was moving more.

She pointed, would turn her head and even showed a bit of affection by laying her head on my shoulder.

She could barely walk. Her legs were weak and unused.

Initially she had no language and was very subdued.

But after bringing her home- we eventually saw an emerging personality.

She was cute, clingy, curious, problem-solving, and out of control.

She would scream if I left her sight for one second, breaking furniture by throwing stuff down the stairs, wouldn't sit still for books or finger games, began to say Da and Ba for everything, would cry unless I was sitting down and she was in my lap poking me, pulling my hair, kicking me, stomping on me, putting her fingers up my nose, in my mouth, and in my eyes. She would alternate the poking with wanting to kiss me on the lips for an extended time. She would not sleep unless I was with her in the room. She wanted to hold, touch, get into and break everything within and out of her reach.

She loved to get n*ked and run around. If I left her for a second she would take all her clothes off including her diaper and pee or poop on the floor. She would SCREAM if I tried to get her back dressed again - it had to be a different outfit than her original one. She took her clothes off several times a day at every available moment. She quickly learned how to get to things out of her reach. She would climb, move furniture, stack things, etc. to reach things. She would sneak treats after she would refuse healthy food. She would eat out of the garbage.

I found that often the only safe place for me was to lay on my stomach on the floor or a bed (covering my face) and she could stomp all over my back at her will. I spent a lot of time like this initially. Or if I attempted holding time I had to totally hold her arms down so she wouldn't hurt me. It was so difficult to hold her like this I would start sweating from the struggle.

Her first developmental test at the hospital she failed everything.

Her next test- she had mastered everything they had showed her once in the first test.

Each test she was on a new level. Her developmental progress was like a rocket.

She started to enjoy finger games, books and cartoons. She was getting the language thing.

The only concern for the developmental specialists was her speech. She had several months of speech therapy in Maryland and is currently in speech therapy here in Seoul. She is now speaking on level with the amount of words, but her pronunciation is unclear.

There was a breakthrough in Pineys behavior right before she hit 3. If she got into something she wasn't supposed to she would clean it up before we discovered it. She would actually voluntarily leave me to go play with her brothers. If we told her not to get into something, she
wouldn't even without the child proofing. She was developing a conscience.

This was a big deal because kids with attachment problems do not easily self-regulate with a conscience. This was a sign to me that she was attaching or was attached. Maybe all of the attachment activities had worked.

Still there are issues.

She makes it impossible to have family meetings or discussions as she needs to be really loud and have every focus on her and what she is saying and doing at every moment. If we are not paying attention she will get louder, kick, shove, crawl on everyone until that is remedied. If she doesn't get her way she will pull my hair, spit in my face, or kick me. If we put her outside the room she screams and bangs and bangs on the door.

If we leave the house (to go out) and she wants to come with us (which is 100% always) she will destroy something in the house while we are gone. Recently there were knife carvings in the coffee table, broken dried flowers from a vase, all of the pillow cases off, crumbs from treats in the carpet, spills, etc.

She does not do these things if we are home (which is an improvement)- Only when she is angry now.

She still does self-soothing behaviors sometimes like sucking her thumb, wanting to sleep in a crib sometimes, poops in her underwear, rocks back and forth from foot to foot, says mama, mama (look at me, listen to me, etc.) every other word (i.e. mama I'm running to the potty- said 6 times before getting to the potty and wanting 6 responses), still shows me several (pretend) owies a day that need prompt attention and care, she also engages in excessive masterb*tion (using her fingers, books, DVDs, her highchair, carseat, shopping cart, stream of water in the bath, toys, handheld electronic back mass*gers- this started at age 2.5-current), sometimes she still looks up at the ceiling when talking to me, needs to touch and handle everything around wherever I am standing or sitting- and continues to shadow me for most of the time, she also enjoys discussing her imaginary friend (Santa Clause) who she tells me is the only person she loves and who loves her (despite our and her teachers declarations of love for her).

Recently she has started the "I can't do it" phase. Everything that she has been doing by herself for the past year she suddenly can't do it anymore- like putting on her shoes for example- this is something that she can't do anymore. She can't do it unless we are leaving to go out and she is not able to come. Suddenly her shoes appear on her feet without a problem.

But overall things are good. Every teacher that she has ever had says she is a DREAM student. They say she is smart, well-mannered, obedient and gets along well with others. She is helpful and always participates. I have been told that she is either average or above average intelligence- definitely not behind in any way. She paints, draws, writes, dances, plays dress up, and creates all sorts of amazing things with building toys.

They all LOVE her.

Sometimes I ask them- does she tell you about all of her owies? No. She never mentions that.
Does she demand your constant attention? No. She plays well alone and with the other children.
Is she bossy at all? Not at all. Sometimes other kids take toys away from her and she cries and doesn't stand up for herself. Does she avoid eye contact? No. It seems to be perfectly normal.
Are there any problems at all? No. None. She is an awesome kid. You are lucky parents.

And I just nod and say- you are right,

thank you very much.

Labels: adopted child: developmental delays, adoption: difficult child behaviors

The following are some adoption books that I checked out from the library. There are many other adoption books that I would like to purchase and check out that are not listed here. As I get other books I will review those.

One thing I found was that I was biased toward newer books. I had preconceived ideas that they were better before even opening them- and lo and behold- most were. So, I am not sure if this is because they REALLY were, or because my bias made me think that.

Parent Books:

The Russian Adoption Handbook by John McClean 2004 O.K. this book is essential for anyone adopting from Russia. Although the organization could be improved upon, I have found this book to be the most important book in my adoption process thus far. It tells you what to do next when you feel a roadblock coming on. It answers your questions and leads you by the hand from start to finish. Thumbs up.

The Adoption Life Cycle by Elinor B. Rosenberg 1992 I voted a thumbs down for this book. Not only because it smelled musty, but because her underlining feelings were that adoption is unnatural and fails to meet the needs of all parties involved, so here is what you can do to make the best out of a bad situation.

Making Sense of Adoption by Lois Ruskai Melina 1989. O.K. I know that this book is ancient history because it was written the year I graduated from high school, but it is still a useful book, so thumbs up. The book is basically a resource to help you talk to your child about adoption and the issues that surround it at different stages in his or her life. It stresses the rights of the child to know the truth about who they are, and how they joined their current family right from the start.

Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff 1997 Thumbs up to this engaging short read. It follows the story of a domestic adoption of a child from a different race. Even though this may or may not be your story, what makes it universally appealing, besides the great flow of the story, are the “secret thoughts of the adoptive mother”. She says things in the book that all adoptive parents probably think, but are afraid to say out loud or even think too loudly. It is a comforting book in that regard and helps calm fears and anxieties.

Keys to Parenting an Adopted Child by Kathy Lancaster 1996 I had to vote thumbs down on this book because although there was a lot of great topics, such as; adoption successes, raising well-adjusted children, issues for your child, and special risk issues- the solutions were just too general and vague. There wasn’t enough concrete and useful information.

Attaching in Adoption by Deborah D. Gray 2002 I realize that this book has been highly praised and a lot of people love it, but I have to give it a thumbs down because I found it to be too technical. There was too much explaining about what is attachment disorder than what to do about it. Little stories of various case scenarios is supposed to be the way you are to decipher what to do in your specific case. I found, however; that it was tedious to wade through all of the stories that I may or may not relate to. Too many anecdotal stories about other people’s adoptions made me discard this book.

Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory C. Keck 2002 A big thumbs up here. It was engaging to read and filled with practical and useful information for adopting children who have been living in orphanages- or any child with a hurtful past. A whole chapter is devoted to attachment activities that are great ideas- not the same general stuff repeated from other sources – but new fresh ideas. I am talking pages and pages of ideas. I loved this whole book. Highly recommended.

Toddler Adoption- The Weaver’s Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best (1997)If you are adopting a toddler (especially internationally) this is an essential book to read. I heard before I read it that it is a really hard book to read – that it might scare you out of adopting. I didn’t find that to be the case at all. The book was interesting, but not compelling. I mean I didn’t just devour it, but I wanted to read it and I got a lot out of it. I think this book is important because it addresses issues such as what to expect of your toddler when he or she comes home with you. There is a little too much information about what the caregivers should do. I doubt the orphanage caregivers will be reading this book. However, there is also a lot of good information for the parents about understanding the child’s transition (from orphanage to home), your child’s development, and the child’s grief, attachment, managing your child’s behavior and taking care of yourself. There are some practical useful suggestions in here. I liked it because it was toddler specific and not too general. My copy has been thoroughly read and underlined throughout. I learned a lot with this one. Thumbs up.

Yes, You Can Adopt! by Richard Mintzer (2003) If you want to try out this book, I recommend checking it out from the library, rather than purchasing it because it is too general- unless you have just decided that you want to adopt and you want to read about every possible path. However, if you know what type of adoption you are going for, or if you are along the process at all than this is not for you. It gives a basic overview about making the adoption decision, preparing for adoption, the homestudy, domestic, independent and international adoption choices. It also touches generally on adoption in the media, adoption fraud, open adoption, adopted & biological children, relative adoption, gay & lesbian adoption, single parent adoption, financing your adoption, positive adoption language, sharing information about your adoption and adoptees: understanding adoption. Overall I felt like the book was easy to read and understand with some good information, but was too general and broad for me to get much out of it. For an overview book though I give it a thumbs up.

The Post-Adoption Blues by Karen J. Foli and John R. Thompson (2004)I wanted to like this book more than I did because I think there is a big need for such a book. What is great about this book is that it talks about feelings (secret feelings) that you may have about your adoption, that you don’t feel you can express- and if you do have these feelings, to realize that you are normal and not alone. The message also comes across that you need to have realistic expectations of yourself. This book could be a God-send to someone who is going through post-adoption depression, which according to this book is quite a large percentage of adoptive parents. It might speak to your hurting soul. However, it won’t give you a whole lot of advice about what to do about it besides seeking professional help. However, there is a personal assessment you can take of yourself if you think you have the post-adoption blues in chapter 13 and in chapters 14 and 15 there are some coping strategies and ways to help you identify the problems. I found those chapters to be potentially the most useful. Thumbs up.

The Complete Adoption Book by Laura Beauvais-Godwin and Ramond Godwind (2005)This book says that it is a complete guide, and that is the biggest problem with it. It is just too huge and general. I found only two chapters that applied to my personal situation and the information was too general to be worth anything. This book is even more general than Yes! You can adopt. I say, skip this one. If you want an overview get the Yes! You can adopt book. Thumbs down.

The Family of Adoption by Joyce Maguire Pavao (2005) This book has some interesting adoption stories (scenarios). She tells stories to teach points about adoption. The stories are from all different types of situations. I read some of them, but did not feel compelled to read them all. Overall I didn't really like it. Thumbs down.

Becoming a Family by Lark Eshleman (2003) This was the first book that I read after deciding on adoption and I loved it. It is a short book with lots of practical advice. I read the whole thing very quickly and took lots of notes. The book focuses on attachment, preparing to bring your child home and getting the proper health care, school services and therapy that may be required for your child. The book is assuming you are adopting a baby or toddler. Thumbs up.

Raising Adopted Children by Lois Ruskai Melina (1998) This book is not specific and refers to all adopted children. It is not about taking you down the path to adoption; it is about raising your adopted child. The book addresses- transitioning the child into the family and attachment issues, talking about adoption with your child, how adoption affects the family, adoption risks, behavior issues, cultural identity, etc. However, there were a lot of chapters that I felt didn’t apply to everyone who has adopted children (i.e. chapters on special needs, racism, contact with birth parents, and special situations). For this reason I would recommend you check this out from a library if you are interested in it, rather than purchase it so you can read just the chapters that fit your child. Overall it is a high quality book with useful information. Thumbs up (a little reluctant with this vote)

Children’s Books: (All of the children books were read to my 7 year-old son, so I could get his reaction as well)

Did My First Mother Love Me? by Kathryn Ann Miller 1994. I voted thumbs up for this book because it is very readable, engaging and comforting. It is interesting right away even for a young child. However, the book revolves around a letter written by the birth mother to her child of how much she loved the child and wanted the best for her, but couldn’t take care of her. So, if you know that the reality of this story is WAY off base for your child, I would skip this one.

Emma’s Yucky Brother by Jean Little 2001.Thumbs down for this book because there was too much about brothers being pests, the misbehavior of the adopted child – he calls his sister Yucky Emma. I just felt the whole story was negative, but then it had one page- the last page where everyone is happy and gets along. NEXT.

The Sea Chest by Toni Buzzeo 2002. Thumbs down on this book because it bored my seven-year-old and I to tears. It is written in beautiful poetry form that went way above my 7 year- old’s head. It is also quite lengthy. However, I have to admit that when I got to the page where they opened the treasure chest and found the baby washed up on the shore, I had to choke back some tears. It is also beautifully illustrated.

Over the Moon by Karen Katz 1997. Thumbs up for this story about an interracial, international adoption from a tropical place. The story is entertaining and colorful. However, your Russian child might not relate exactly.

Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis 1996. Thumbs up for this adoption story. Illustrations are fun. Writing is clever and gets to the point. Expresses well the emotions of the adoptive parents. Shows parents flying on a plane to meet child. It does refer to how the mother couldn’t grow a baby in her tummy- which may or may not apply to you. It also refers to the child being picked up from a hospital and being an infant, but the birthmother is not pictured.

Beginnings by Virginia Kroll I have to say thumbs down to this story that contains several short stories about how different families came to be- all of them but one- are an adoption situation. Overall I found it too long and wordy. The stories were too specific for that child, so I doubt anyone could totally relate to any of the stories.

Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies by Ann Turner 1990. I am only giving this a thumbs down because the story is about a child traveling from a tropical place to the adoptive parents. I like that it comes from the perspective of the child and talks about his fears flying in the plane to meet his new parents, but I have never heard of this arrangement. How convenient- the parents just wait at home while their child is personally delivered to them. Does this ever happen in the adoption world? Other than that, this is a great book- especially the bonding time between the parents and child after they are united.

When I Met You- A Story of Russian Adoption by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista
Of course I am going to love this story of a little girl adopted from Russia because it is my dream story. It is a treasure for parents who have adopted from Eastern Europe and for all adoptive parents who want to share a story that illustrates the beauty of international adoption. The book is simple to understand even for a small child, but interesting enough for an older child. The pictures and words are comforting and moving. It gently tells the story of a child transitioning from an orphanage setting to a family setting. It shows how the child has grown and blossomed from the love of her family. You feel the joy of the parents welcoming her into their home and hearts. It also ties in the value and importance of the child’s culture and beginnings. At the end of the book there is a fun little activity where the child can find images (such as a butterfly) that were in the story and say the word in English and Russian. This book is a must have. It will be treasured for many years by this family. Big thumbs up for this one. Ms. Bashista also has a newer Russian adoption book out called: Mishka


Mommy Far, Mommy Near by Carol Antoinette Peacock
This is the type of book to check out at the library. It is too long to read over and over, but worth a look. The book starts out great. It describes a young girl adopted from China. The story is told by the child. She describes herself in a positive way. Her high self-esteem shines through. She describes the times she spends with her mom looking at her life book and doing some attachment activities. She also explains in a comforting way about how she came into the family. She pretends to talk to her birth mom on the phone and tells her how happy she is in her new home and with her new family. The only thing I didn’t like about it is that it states the reason the child was put up for adoption was because China made a rule that each family could only have one child. Her mother couldn’t keep her because she already had a child. She wanted to, but was not allowed. The only problem with this is since there isn’t an equivalent “rule” in other countries it might make your child feel like the birth parents could have kept him or her and they might consequently feel sad. However, the book has some really good parts. Perhaps a reader could just skip over the parts that don't fit or change it slightly. A really cute part is when the girl adopts her own babies (stuffed animals). It also deals with racial differences within the family in an understanding way.

A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza
The thing I like about this book is that even though Choco is a boy bird, the fact that he is a bird makes the story seem genderless, so it is automatically appealing to boys and girls. This is a good book for kids who are feeling like they don’t quite fit in to their new family based on appearance. The book starts off as he starts walking around looking for a mother (he seems to have lost his). He tries to find a mother that has at least one characteristic trait as him (i.e. we are both yellow). However, he ends up with Mrs. Bear as his new mother who doesn’t have any physical characteristics as him. Mrs. Bear has one thing the others don’t: she loves Choco. The two spend some fun times together. When Mrs. Bear brings Choco home for the first time he finds that she has other children as well, all of which are different (a hippo, piggy and alligator). Despite these differences they all love each other very much. I think all kids could benefit from this book with its teachings of love and acceptance of differences.

I Love You Like Crazy Cakes by Rose Lewis
I like how this book starts out “Once upon a time…” like a fairy tale. The book flows well and presents a clear message. It is easy to understand and says a lot in a few words. Unlike When I Met You and Mommy Far, Mommy Near that show young children as their main subject (while looking back over their lives), this book shows the child as an older infant the whole time. This may or may not appeal to you. The story takes you through the whole international adoption process (China) in an abbreviated manner with carefully chosen, thoughtful words. It is tender without being mushy. The illustrations are wonderful and I especially like the Chinese character for love on the last page. No matter where you are adopting from, this book shows the basic process and love of an adoptive family. This book is a keeper.

If you have read other adoption books that you recommend please suggest them, or if you have read any of the above books and agree or disagree with my review please speak up. Other than that, all other comments are welcome.

Labels: adoption resources: best books, adoption: difficult child behaviors, after adoption: difficult child behaviors, best books for adopted preschooler, self help for adoptive moms