We attended a large church conference on Sunday.
We sat in a pew behind a large Caucasian family that I did not know.
I noticed that they had a young Chinese boy with them (I learned later he was just 4).
I guessed he was adopted (he was).
They had bio children just younger and older than him in their family.
It was interesting to observe the family during the 2 hr. meeting.
I noticed that the Chinese boy cried more often than the bio kids (even the younger one) when faced with the same circumstances and situations as the other kids.
He made constant "light" noise such as humming, mumbling, and other such noises, while the bio kids were very quiet.
He was removed from the meeting for disruptions several times while the other kids were not, even the youngest child (age 2).
However, he was held less and shown affection less than the others.
I took notice of the amount of time the mother showed spontaneous affection to the other children, which was often, yet I noticed she gave none to the boy.
He did sit on his father's lap for a time.
I talked with the family after the meeting and they seemed to be very nice people.
They truly had big hearts. They said that the boy was no trouble at all (I guess having to remove him from the meeting several times was no trouble for them) and fit well in their family.
He had been a special needs child due to his cleft palate, but they had, had it fixed. He had been with them almost 2 years now.
I wondered if the relationship I observed was typical.
The adopted child being the neediest, but receiving the least amount of affection.
Why was this the case I wondered.
Perhaps it was because he was so needy, because he was disruptive or because something else was missing. Or perhaps this wasn't typical at all. I had only observed this family once over a 2 hr. period.
I couldn't compare it to my own family because I am too close to my own family to see things. I can't see the forest for the trees.
But I did decide that our family was different because my older boys are not very needy. So Piney doesn't need to fight for my attention from them.
This made me wonder if it isn't good to adopt if you have other small children.
Or maybe I shouldn't say that. Perhaps if this family hadn't stepped up, the boy wouldn't have a family at all. The boy may never had, had the surgery he needed. He wouldn't have the opportunities, or the experiences and relationships he will now be able to have.
Maybe adoption is always a good choice. What do you think?
Labels: after adoption: difficult child behaviors
Laura
Thank you for clarifying the intent of your post. The question you posed, should families with young children delay/avoid adopting other children, is a difficult one. For the child in question, there may not have been a large number of families who were ready and willing to address his SN and his PI issues, not to mention his differing racial background. I believe he is better off in his current family vs waiting (for how long?) to be adopted by a smaller sized family in which he would be the youngest. In the broader picture of adoption, I can see the benefits of the adopted child being the youngest in terms of attention, but wonder if that criteria alone should outweigh the benefits of getting more children out of foster care and orphanage systems and into permanent families. Larger sized families pose a challenge for the parents to individually address each child's needs, and there will absolutely be times when one child needs more attention than the others. But as long as there is a balance, I have to believe a child in a loving permanent family, large or small, is much better off.
I know both of my kids are very needy. In fact, when I see other kids their age with their parents, they are not nearly so needy. But, I always remind myself those other kids have had parents from birth and mine have only been home a year and a half. And, as a result, they have worries that bio kids don't have...(i.e. Bonnie wonders if she'll get lost and lose us..).
Another thing that may have been happening...with my kids, when they're in church, if I give them spontaneous affection, they think its time to be loud, play, etc. So, sometimes I hold back, because it changes their behavior when I give spontaneous affection. It tends to hype them up in public.
I'm sure with your own adoption experience, it was interesting to watch another family with an adopted child and bio children.
Rhonda, I realized that it is true- if I give Piney too much attention in church she gets worse. I try not to look at her during services. She will get louder. However, it does work well for me to hold her and look at a quiet book together.
Didn't answer your question, but couldn't help sharing some questions of my own.
-Nates5bs
With our DD we had to work on a lot of attachment issues. One of her issues was the fact that attention had to be given on her own terms. An unexpected head rub, kiss or hug could result in hours of cuddles.... or EAR PIERCING screams. When in public we often did not take the chance.
Our DD also has severe ADHD. What may appear to be simple acting up, or slightly disruptive behavior is often our first sign that is is about to "ping" out of control. I am sure we have been guilty about removing her from a room when a by stander may assume our son is doing the same thing. The difference is his behavior will not grow out of control, he can reign in without being removed... she can not.
Is it possible that their outward treatment of this little boy reflects their feelings for him as compared to the rest of the family? Sure, but there is also a huge possibility that there is more to the situation than meets the eye.