Labels: jeneflower

I finally did it. I said I never would, but...

I dyed my hair back to its original color.

I always saw others who had meticulously kept up with their hair salon visits as people who continued to care about their appearance. They didn't get married and then let themselves go.

So year after year I spent countless hours and money at the hair salon.

It was important to me. I thought it was worth it.

Not anymore.

I realized that spending this money to chemically treat my hair no longer went along with my new goals of simple living and environmental health.

I guess you all will have to love me for who I really am.

Like it or not.

Here it is.



























































My boys took these photos and they all took turns. I told them that whoever took the best picture could get a treat, but they all wanted their photo to be the one I posted. So I gave them all a treat for helping out and posted one photo from each.

Also. I admit. My roots are still a little darker than my hair, but it is hard to get an exact match. I may need to go in one more time to get it right, but it is much closer.

Labels: jeneflower

No more silly, smiley Americana looks for us. We are ready.
(Click on the photo to get the full-on stare)

Ha Ha

Labels: jeneflower, M

The Russian saying goes, "People meet you [judging] by your dress and see you off [judging] by your intelligence.”

Do you know that I just recently realized that I should wear black socks with my black shoes? I knew this was a given for men, but for some reason I didn’t think it applied to me. I just wore my same white socks with all of my shoes. I didn’t really think it mattered because no one really sees, or notices socks- right? I mean my pants cover them up for the most part. However, I realized that this is not true. People can see your socks when you sit down, especially when you cross your legs. I just never really thought about this before. I know, I am a fashion failure, but there is hope for me yet.

M surprised me today by taking me to the mall and telling me I could get some new clothes. Now, I NEVER buy new clothes. There is this once a year clothing exchange at a nearby church where I usually obtain my clothes for the year. So I never shop, especially at the mall. As a child and teenager I shopped at the mall. In fact I was one of those, “Mom, I need your credit card” and off to the mall I would go. Money was not real to me then. However, then came real life and I was locked out of the mall. UNTIL TODAY…

Now I have to tell you that it was quite a shock to my system. Prices have gone way up since last buying clothes at the mall 15 years ago. I mean I have been in the mall for other reasons besides clothes shopping over the past 15 years- like trying out the massage chairs in electronic stores, listening to headphones to sample music in the music stores, browsing the bookstore and other such window shopping, but I never really noticed the clothes I wasn’t buying or the prices of these items. I mean I always considered stores like the Gap to be fairly reasonable. Not anymore. Those days are long gone. Now, they want to sell you wrinkled coats for $80! But the biggest shock to me was the new fashions. O.K. I admit that not shopping from a mall in 15 years has plunged me into fashion frumpiness, along with my white socks, but to put me into the forefront of modern fashion I had to do some adjusting. Wow, when did the hippies come back in to style? Well, it isn’t exactly like the ‘60’s hippie fashion- but it is a modern version of it. That is what the stores are selling. I had to get used to this. I had to take a deep breath and absorb this new fashion. Because I have not been there with each season’s subtle fashion changes- this was a huge change in my mind. I was still thinking 1992 and I am sure I looked it. But those days are over now because I found the greatest store called H&M. Not only did they have the same styles as Bloomingdales, but way better prices. I got a really cool sweater for $9 and shirts for $6. O.K. the quality might not be quite as good, but for those prices, who cares! And after I brought up all of my purchases to the front desk they just took $10 off the total bill- just like that for no reason. This is a great store.

However, even with my new “cool” clothes I am sure I will still look like a washed-up fashion failure to those Russians -with all their black high heel boots, mini skirts and furs.

Labels: jeneflower, Russian Adoption

We have had a hard road (not in comparison to really poor people in other countries/ I have this in perspective), but we have never been rich. When we first got re-married I was a nanny and I completely supported our family on that income. I made $600 a month. I did this while M finished his pre-med courses. My oldest son was almost a year old and I brought him to work with me.

Then I got pregnant with my second son (we wanted our oldest to have a sibling friend close in age). Getting quite sick as usual in my pregnancies I quit my job. M worked construction jobs- like he had done as a teenager. We made a little more money than the nanny job. M wanted some medical experience though, so he quit that and became an orderly at a nearby hospital. He was also going to school full time. This job gave us more benefits, but less money.

I now had two kids and could no longer get hired as a nanny. I only had an associate’s degree at that time and didn’t feel like I could handle going back to school with two young children (not that we could have afforded it anyway- I lost my scholarship after I told them I could no longer travel around representing the university in speech competitions).

Then we moved to Chicago so M could attend medical school. So- now neither of us were working. At first we lived in this totally dumpy neighborhood in the south suburbs. Our dinners were like- here is a potato everyone.

Finally a few things happened. M joined the army and the army started paying us a stipend. My parents took pity on us and started sending us checks every month. We finally were able to afford a rental home in a nice neighborhood in the western suburbs (Oakbrook).

Let me tell you what a difference a high quality neighborhood and good schools makes in a parents life. Not to mention that we were even able to eat out once in a while. It was then that our third son was born and we were ending the medical school years.

We then moved to Maryland to start residency. This was side tracked though by the army wanting M to work as a general practitioner for a couple of years. Then we were back on track with the residency. So, for all of these years I have been a stay-at-home mom and feeling glad about that, but also just aching to do more and to be able to contribute financially to the family.

So, when I felt like my youngest was independent enough, I started back into school. (Well I tried medical transcription first, but that didn’t work). So now I am in the midst of finally completing my Bachelors degree and having the potential to work in a decent job after all of these years.

Then I took THE CLASS. THE CLASS FROM HELL. It was an Ethics computer class. This sounds like an easy class, and it was, but the teacher was psychotic. I was going through the class just fine, and then I was to turn in a research paper that was 60% of the grade for the class.

I had just watched this biography on TV about Hillary Clinton. The show was interviewing some of her professors. One professor that was interviewed stated that the thing that stood out about Hillary was that when she would turn in her written assignments they would usually be twice as long as required. He talked about how this made her stand out, etc. So I thought to myself- I am going to do that too. I am going to work extra hard and make my paper stand out. So I spent hours and hours on this paper and made it twice as long as required.

I was shocked when I got my grade. She had marked me down for a few ridiculous things, but largely because it was too long. I was furious. I had a 4.0 at the time and I had spent so many hours researching the paper. I knew then that I could not get anything higher than a B in the class- even if I aced the final (which I did). I felt inside that the true reason for the mark down was because she disagreed with my views.

This is the teacher that I referred to earlier that I sent several emails to a day trying to get her to reconsider to no avail. I went into a total depression for weeks. Finally, to find comfort I prayed to God to let me find forgiveness for this lady.

A clear message came into my mind that said, “Jen- You are worrying yourself over things that don’t really matter… There is a little one waiting to come into your home.” I then immediately remembered my earlier dreams of adopting internationally. My bad feelings vanished and I knew what I was supposed to do next.

When M came home I told him that we needed to start the adoption process. His response was, “So what you are saying is- not only are you going to have to put off your schooling that we have been pouring all of this money into- which also puts off your job that we were planning on you getting- and on top of that you want us to come up with over $30,000 to do an adoption.”

“Right.” I said. After awhile though, he conceded. “If you felt that, that is what God wants us to do, than we will find a way to do it.”

So that was the beginning of our adoption process. I really had given up the idea of ever having a girl and now it was coming true. Every day that passed I got more excited about this prospect. Even M started to anxiously fill out paperwork by my side.

The more we discussed the prospect of a new little girl in the family- the more excited our whole family became.

However, I am still struggling with the school- job issue. I am wondering if I could continue to handle taking classes or even starting a job with a little girl in tow. There is a pull that I want to finally get out from the money struggles and into normality. I mean I realize that when M finishes his residency next year and starts working as a Radiologist- our money issues will be lifted quite a bit, but there is something about having your own job and your own money that the feminist side of me desires. I am still trying to figure out what to do. I want to put my daughter first and my kids and family first, but it is hard to continue to deny myself this independence and financial freedom. This is my struggle.

Labels: jeneflower

1. My name is Jennefer with an e
2. My parents didn’t give me a middle name
3. I am a mother of three sons
4. I had them all before I turned 29
5. I gave them all middle names
6. I love my family
7. I am the lone girl in a sea of testosterone
8. Sometimes I feel I am a cool mom
9. Other times I feel I could be better
10. I have married my husband twice
11. I was his first serious, longer than 6 mo girlfriend
12. He needed to learn about girls’ idiosyncrasies
13. I love him
14. He is not nice… he is neutral
15. He knows me very well
16. Men think too differently than women
17. I am grateful for all he does for me and our family
18. Medical residency has been a long road
19. He is a hard worker
20. He takes out the garbage
21. He likes to be right
22. He likes to shop with me
23. He always buys me flowers
24. He has a shoe obsession
25. I overwork myself in school
26. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do my best
27. I got a B once and I was depressed for days
28. I sent my teacher 10 emails a day asking her to reconsider
29. She started to threaten me
30. This still hurts
31. I come from a family of 9 children (4 boys, 5 girls)
32. My parents made us wear matching striped shirts to Disney Land
33. I am the 2nd oldest
34. I never babysat my younger siblings
35. My mom didn’t think I was responsible enough
36. My father is a dentist
37. Two of my brothers are dentists
38. One of my sisters is a dental hygienist
39. My dentist wanted to know where I went wrong
40. Many of my siblings have a lot of problems and issues
41. I can’t do anything about them
42. My brother thinks we are twins
43. This is not a problem
44. Three of my sisters have muscular dystrophy
45. I don’t know why not me
46. My middle child used to be afraid of everything
47. He wasn’t able to be in a room alone without crying until he was 7
48. Even in the day
49. I don’t know why
50. He is much better now
51. We go to church
52. Prayer helps me get along through life
53. I hope in an existence after death
54. I never want to be pregnant again
55. Morning sickness made me feel suicidal
56. I want a little girl
57. To do stuff with
58. To shop for
59. To tilt the balance in our home
60. Adoption is a comfortable path for me
61. I feel a connection with orphans
62. My favorite movie was The Rescuers
63. I felt adopting was always my destiny
64. I don’t know how a new child will affect our marriage
65. Kids can be hard on marriages
66. They can also bond you tighter together
67. Mike is a night person
68. He barely talks all day long
69. He likes to talk at night when I am trying to sleep
70. I am a morning person
71. I exercise a lot
72. Maybe too much- Maybe not enough
73. I am a "that's good enough" kind of person
74. I am obsessive about lists
75. If I couldn’t make a list I would stop living
76. I would not have any idea what to do next
77. Blogging has fulfilled a need in me I didn’t know I had
78. I am grateful for my blogger friends
79. I love to browse bookstores and libraries
80. My oldest son is a speed reader
81. He has read more books than I will ever read in a lifetime
82. I love my technology classes
83. I hope to be able to have a real job someday
84. We live in a rental home
85. We have moved 14 times in 13 years
86. I like to move
87. I want to move to a warm place with inexpensive large homes
88. And good schools
89. But it might be Alaska or Germany
90. Which sound exciting and adventurous
91. I don’t like how the military controls our lives
92. M could get deployed to Iraq
93. We have talked about moving to Australia someday
94. We will probably end up living in Park City, Utah someday
95. I love ski resort towns
96. I take too many photographs of things or people and forget events
97. Photography speaks to me
98. I eat the same things everyday
99. If we are out of my foods I get very distressed
100. When I eat other foods I feel sick
101. I look and act normal and calm
102. I am not spontaneous
103. If people show up at my door or call unexpectedly I panic
104. I need time to prepare for things
105. I go out to lunch with a group of friends every month
106. I used to act in high school
107. I got a full ride college scholarship from the speech department
108. I don’t have time for acting anymore
109. I was a difficult teenager to raise
110. I don’t know why my kids are so good
111. I am very forgiving of other people
112. I always feel like it must be my fault
113. I have a hard time understanding super late people
114. Or people that don’t keep commitments
115. If I had more time I would love to clean my house better
116. And my car
117. I drive a Honda CRV
118. M installed a third row seat in the back of it
119. I never want to sell my car
120. I love family board games
121. I will be sad when my youngest son doesn’t want to hug me anymore
122. He is worried of being replaced by our new daughter
123. He will never be replaced
124. All of my children are individual and special to me
125. I am very blessed

Labels: jeneflower

WARNING: This is not a happy story, but it has a happy ending.

It was 1991. M and I met in SLC at a dance club called “The Bay”. I know it sounds like a hokie place, but I frequented it often with my friends. This was M’s first and last time there. He asked me to dance, got my phone number, etc. It was about to be Christmas- so he thought it might be fun to have someone to date during the holidays- but not beyond. I was 20 and he was 24. Well, it obviously went beyond. We lived an hour apart, so we saw each other when we could. We were engaged in about 3 months and set a wedding date for 3 months later. (Just a side note: It is the cultural norm in Utah to get married fairly young- which I now discourage in my own kids. I was the last of my friends to get married) Anyway, everything seemed perfect at first.

During the engagement though, M kept vacillating back and forth over whether he really wanted to marry me or not. By the time our wedding date came around I was unsure and nervous about the whole thing.

Our married life started off badly. We had totally different ideas about what it meant to be married. So, in my naïve mind I thought having a baby would fix us. Soon the pregnancy and morning sickness took hold of my life and in my misery I left.

I mean I really left him and filed for divorce 3 months after we were married. We didn’t talk much after that. At 6 months pregnant I ended up at an adoption agency. I was seriously considering giving up my baby for adoption. I was extremely upset and confused. I told them about my relationship with M, and they assured me there was no way we could work things out and that the best thing for me to do was to give up my baby. They put a lot of pressure on me to do that. They were very disappointed when I decided to keep my baby. So, my oldest son was born.

About 2 months later my parents took my siblings and me (along with my son) on a trip to Oregon. Without my knowledge M had gone to visit his sister in Seattle.

We were both heading home to Utah at the same time and we ran into each other at a Taco Bell in Oregon. Do you know what the odds are on this??

We don’t believe this was a coincidence. It was at this surprise meeting that M told me and my mom about this self-help workshop he was going to enroll himself in called IMPACT.

My mom suggested that I should go to it as well.

To make a long story short, we both went through these workshops. There are several levels of advancement and it lasted over a 4 month period. We both grew so much! At the end of the workshop we got re-married to each other and invited all of our Impact friends. We held it outside in a beautiful forest. Everyone was crying and happy, etc. Now 12 years and 2 more kids later we are still happily married today.

Because I have been there and I know the heartache of the thought of giving up a child to adoption I already feel so much love in my heart for the birth mothers that lose their children to adoption. They are so brave!!!! Even unfit, neglectful and/or extremely poor mothers who give up their children can feel a lot of pain and loss. I know some of them don’t care and are relieved, but others do. Each story is different. Either way, I will take very good care of their gift.

Labels: jeneflower, M

M and Jen Engagement 1992

Labels: jeneflower, M

Mike and Jen2

Labels: jeneflower, M