Thursday, March 02, 2006
Our Not So Secret Story
WARNING: This is not a happy story, but it has a happy ending.

It was 1991. M and I met in SLC at a dance club called “The Bay”. I know it sounds like a hokie place, but I frequented it often with my friends. This was M’s first and last time there. He asked me to dance, got my phone number, etc. It was about to be Christmas- so he thought it might be fun to have someone to date during the holidays- but not beyond. I was 20 and he was 24. Well, it obviously went beyond. We lived an hour apart, so we saw each other when we could. We were engaged in about 3 months and set a wedding date for 3 months later. (Just a side note: It is the cultural norm in Utah to get married fairly young- which I now discourage in my own kids. I was the last of my friends to get married) Anyway, everything seemed perfect at first.

During the engagement though, M kept vacillating back and forth over whether he really wanted to marry me or not. By the time our wedding date came around I was unsure and nervous about the whole thing.

Our married life started off badly. We had totally different ideas about what it meant to be married. So, in my naïve mind I thought having a baby would fix us. Soon the pregnancy and morning sickness took hold of my life and in my misery I left.

I mean I really left him and filed for divorce 3 months after we were married. We didn’t talk much after that. At 6 months pregnant I ended up at an adoption agency. I was seriously considering giving up my baby for adoption. I was extremely upset and confused. I told them about my relationship with M, and they assured me there was no way we could work things out and that the best thing for me to do was to give up my baby. They put a lot of pressure on me to do that. They were very disappointed when I decided to keep my baby. So, my oldest son was born.

About 2 months later my parents took my siblings and me (along with my son) on a trip to Oregon. Without my knowledge M had gone to visit his sister in Seattle.

We were both heading home to Utah at the same time and we ran into each other at a Taco Bell in Oregon. Do you know what the odds are on this??

We don’t believe this was a coincidence. It was at this surprise meeting that M told me and my mom about this self-help workshop he was going to enroll himself in called IMPACT.

My mom suggested that I should go to it as well.

To make a long story short, we both went through these workshops. There are several levels of advancement and it lasted over a 4 month period. We both grew so much! At the end of the workshop we got re-married to each other and invited all of our Impact friends. We held it outside in a beautiful forest. Everyone was crying and happy, etc. Now 12 years and 2 more kids later we are still happily married today.

Because I have been there and I know the heartache of the thought of giving up a child to adoption I already feel so much love in my heart for the birth mothers that lose their children to adoption. They are so brave!!!! Even unfit, neglectful and/or extremely poor mothers who give up their children can feel a lot of pain and loss. I know some of them don’t care and are relieved, but others do. Each story is different. Either way, I will take very good care of their gift.

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Blogger Elle said...
Jen, that really is a beautiful story.

My personal gamut of emotions about the woman that carried me run from contempt to complete love. I can't imagine what it must have felt like for her to let go of a child and I hope she wasn't pressured. It is unfortunate what some agencies do to some mothers. I am so happy to know that you were strong enough to make your own decisions.

As a mother to an adopted child I have nothing but respect, admiration and love for the woman that carried A. I will be forever grateful for the gift she has given me and D.

Blogger Liv said...
Jen, that is a fantastic story. I was just telling E the other night that I get so wrapped up in my own feelings and frustrations that I don't realize that other people around me are living lives too. Thanks for sharing.

Blogger Margaret said...
Resolving my feelings about Peanut's birthparents has been so difficult for me. It's something I struggle with. My goal is to be neutral -- so he can love them when he needs to, and be angry with them when he needs to.

Thank you for sharing such an intensely personal story. It's helped me. It will help others, too.

Blogger Tricia said...
Hi Jen,
Thanks for sharing your story - wow, it's amazing that you were able to find each other twice in your lifetime(s). I'm glad that things worked out, and I'm sure the experience made you stronger as individuals, and stronger as a couple.

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