A lot of great comments about the upcoming presidential election on my last post.
I think that it's great people feel very passionate about the issues, much better than a nation full of apathetics.
However, at some point the debate gets to be too much and I need to pull away from it all and focus on other things- Things that I have personal control over.
Sometimes with elections I can feel like things are so much out of my hands. So I came up with a list of ways I can personally improve my life and the world.
See
HERE.
I am not doing well at these at all.
This morning I was making sandwiches for lunch boxes. I was so excited to try out my kid's
new lunch boxes. Ya. I am as pathetic as that- a new lunch box makes me excited.
Anyway, I thought I would just make an extra sandwich for Piney's breakfast since I was making peanut butter sandwiches for my sons anyway.
So she comes in the kitchen and I cheerfully tell her that I have made her this sandwich.
She starts up, "No! Mama! No! NO!!!! I want TREAT cereal! I won't eat it! I want cereal! CEREAL!!"
I know from experience that if I give her the sandwich now she will throw it on the floor and refuse it. If I make her skip breakfast than she will be more cranky, whiny and irritable than usual to deal with and will not let up demanding cereal for the next few hours.
So I silently get out the cereal for her.
Then we take M to work so I can have the car today because I need to go to the grocery store.
On the way home Piney is yelling, "I WANT to go to work too!! I don't WANT to go home! NO! I don't WANT to go home! NO!!!!! NO!!!!!!" This demanding is non-stop until we pull into our parking spot.
I have to pull her out of the car because she is refusing to get out, and drag her to the elevator and up to our apartment.
Inside I turn on the TV because I know Sesame Street is about to start. There are still a few more minutes before it starts, but she wants it to start NOW. Piney: "I WANT to watch Sesame Street NOW!" repeated 100 times every 30 seconds. She is so angry that it hasn't started at the exact moment that she wants it to that she goes up to me and hits me as hard as she can in the arm.
Up to this point I have been patient and not gotten angry, but this is where I lose it.
Ya. I suck.
Any advice?
Labels: adoption: difficult child behaviors
As far as her wanting things & wanting them now, that's just totally appropriate for her age. She's very egocentric right now, which is SO FRUSTRATING for us adults - but she just can't understand another's point of view...much less why a TV show doesn't come on when she thinks it should!
So I think you have 2 sets of demands here - the ones that you can control (and just have to live through till she "gets it" that you won't give in just because she's demanding)...and the demands that are a result of her young child brain thinking the world revolves around her.
And you don't suck for losing your cool; you're human afterall. We all have our breaking points - mine probably would'e been first thing in the morning! haha
Anyway...hang in there!
I agree with Melissa above. She may be hungry and cranky (thus harder on you), but you do need to stand your ground from the beginning.
Hard, I know, I'm going through it TWO! ;)
Good luck!
If cereal is a viable option, and knowing that she will likely hate the choice you pick for her, why not just give her 2 choices from the outset. Maybe you can say something like, "Piney, you have 2 choices for breakfast. Cereal or a sandwich. Which do you prefer?" And just let her have a choice from the outset. We simply have a policy that includes 2 appropriate choices and asking politely, but no demanding/whining from the kiddo. (except that for him, treat cereal is only a viable option on the weekends)
Usually, Iliya eats oatmeal for breakfast - but I can think of one instance when he was eating oatmeal for breakfast and my husband was eating toast. Iliya decided he wanted toast instead of oatmeal, and he asked politely (instead of whining, which is the big deal in our house, rather than demanding)...so Nathan swapped with him.
I'm sorry to hijack your comments. I guess I just have some pretty specific thoughts on the behaviors you described... and you may've tried everything I mentioned. But the bottom line is that you have to decide what the limits are in your house...and you must be strong and stick to those limits.
I know you've got plenty of experience with 3 other kiddos besides Piney, but I am the oldest of 4, and my mom always says that she tried to parent us all similarly and it worked to a point...but when she realized we all needed different parenting strategies, it worked much better. And then when my youngest brother (the most headstrong of all of us) came along, she had to throw everything out the window and start over with him! :) I always smile when I think about that.
ANYWAY, hang in there!!
What ever you decide to do, make sure it works for you two. Just like the same reward doesn't work for all kids, same is true for discipline. Parenting is the hardest job ever, and unfortunely doesn't come with an employee handbook. Good luck. When and if you find what works, please pass along the good advice.
Buy some good earplugs and stand your ground. Be brisk and insistent during tantrums, and if she crosses the line (as long as she knows where your 'line' is), use consistent consequences.
And if YOU have a tantrum later, don't beat yourself up over it. We all lose our marbles once in a while.
I don't know, but I am about to pull my hair out over the tantrums and screaming and ugliness that is coming out of my child. My boys just weren't this way...they had other issues, but were never as strong-willed as my daughter. We don't give in, but still she persists and it seems like we are walking on eggshells nowadays just to keep the peace. She will literally wake up ticked off at the world!
I do like the choices thing Melissa mentioned...but WE have tried that (with things like clothes and shoes) and she will say "neither!" If it were food, I'd say "don't eat, then!" but she HAS to get dressed, so what do you do then???
Jen, I feel like I am right there with you SOOOOOOO many days!
Stephanie- "Mom" to 3 boys and a very picky princess
I'm really not saying you should do that...because, well, for obvious reasons... :) but it sure would (likely) get the point across!
So aside from suggesting something you just can't really get away with doing... I don't have anything for that. It sounds like you're doing what you can (just making it through this stage) for the time being.
And now, I will hush. :)
> *Invisible Mother......
> *
> It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'
Obviously, not.
No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.
> I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone!
> One night, a group of us were having dinner, > I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well.
It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself.
I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me and said, 'I brought you this.'
It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .
I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her
inscription:
*'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
*
In the days ahead I would read - And I would discover
> No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.
> These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
> They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
> The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
>
> I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.
> It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've
baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'
>
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.
> And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
Loveland
I agree with some of the other posters about choices. Also maybe saying, you really want the tv show on now and it's hard for you to wait. maybe by describing how she feels will help. and maybe giving here some choices of how she can pass the time more quickly, like getting a favorite doll or stuffed animal to watch with her, or a drink of water.
i think sometimes it's hard to be little and told what to do all the time. especially if you do something out of the normal routine.
good luck. i've been there too and hope you find something that works.
Isabella
I also work very hard to make sure we have a good attitude around here, as much as possible. If one of the boys comes to me whining about something they need help with, I will politely ask them to go back to where they started and try it again, asking with a nicer attitude or without whining or whatever. They usually think it is fun to have a do-over and they do very well with it. If they have been asked to pick up toys and they are displaying a bad attitude about it, we work on that too is various ways.."please do it with a nice attitude or you will do it again" or calling them to come back and start over, if they are taking a toy back to another room.
We are not doing much TV yet but if the boys threw a fit as you describe about a program not starting when they wanted it to, I would warn them to have a nicer attitude or we will turn it off.
We try not to let the boys talk to us like that. We try to teach them to speak politely to each other and to us and we try hard to model it, although it is not always easy and I am not perfect by any means. There have been plenty of times that I have apologized to them for being grouchy (this morning:), for having my own bad attitude, for losing my patience or not speaking as nicely as I should, etc.
I am usually fairly consistent with this type of thing because it is a pet peeve of mine and I think children are happier if they learn to have good attitudes about things but nobody is perfect and I have "lost it" plenty of times....so, they know I'm not perfect too:).
Its hard to receive cruel comments. Go easy on yourself. You only have her best interests at heart.
What I'm trying to tell you is this is something that you'll have to figure out on your own using your own methods. I think standing your ground alone isn't going to cut it. I've tried that and stick to it and it doesn't help my situation any. Just know you are not alone!!!! (((HUGS)))