Saturday, October 04, 2008
Next up on The Days Of Our Lives
So M got tired of seeing me mope around the house.

M: "O.K. What do you want. Tell me. What do you want that will make you happy."

Jen:"Nothing. I'm fine."

M: "No you're not."

Jen: "You said that it was a good idea to be self-sacrificing in order to keep the peace. I just need to learn how to be happy with it, so I haven't learned yet."

M: "I didn't mean with me. I don't think you should be self-sacrificing with me at all times, I meant with Piney. She is needier than you because she is a child."

Jen: "You can't just say I need to be compliant with her and not both of you. I am either a compliant person that quietly does what everyone else wants and serves everyone else, or I stand up and tell everyone what I want and what I don't want or what is making me unhappy or happy. I can't switch back and forth."

M: "Look, it is about compromise. We compromised on the motorcycle, didn't we? I can choose to get the motorcycle and you can get an allowance every month of a specific amount of money that you can choose whatever you want to spend it on."

Jen:"That's not a compromise. I am happy with that arrangement, but I should be able to choose equally where our money goes regardless of the motorcycle. If it were up to me, we would budget things very differently"

M: "O.K. You make up the budget you want. After we have budgeted for our fixed, recurrent and shared expenses we will divide the remaining money equally to use at our own discretion. I will transfer that amount monthly directly in to your account."

Jen: (thinking M has totally flipped out - he is giving me half of the money he earns when I haven't even asked for it, nor do I want to be responsible for it) "O.K. sure. Give me the money."

Several hours later when M is looking very grim over his proposal.

Jen: "You don't look very happy about your idea to give me half of the money."

M: "It's fine. I just have to get used to it" (He smiles looking sort of green).

Jen: "M. I don't even want to be responsible for all of that money. I would have to figure out what I needed to spend it on and how to invest it and really to be fair I would have to then give you half of the money I make at my photo business and I really don't want to. I appreciate you trying to make me happy, but it really isn't necessary."

M: (relieved)

Jen: "You were right anyway. I'm tired of moping around."

M: "Let's go out to dinner without the kids."

Jen: "Great. Let's go."
7 Comments:
Blogger Liv said...
I'm glad to hear that you 2 have discussed this. I had another thought on the topic. Although I don't agree with the adage that the 'husband is the head of the household' I respect that other couples chose that.

That being said, if you truly base your marriage on that adage, then it is M's responsibilty to make sure that the members of the family are happy and feel valued.

I'm glad that he has taken an iniative and opened the line of communication with you.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hope you have a lovely dinner.

I think it's a hard juggling act to be a stay at home mom (working at home or not). I mean all the jobs around the house, laundry, dishes, cooking, etc never end and start over again.

Maybe you just need a break? An hour or so of time just for you when you don't need to worry about anyone else during the day.

I have two boys, and try to knit while they want me to hang out with them, somehow it calms me and makes me more calm about life. It helps me sit still and not think about the 1001 things that need to be done.

Good luck:)

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hope you have a lovely dinner.

I think it's a hard juggling act to be a stay at home mom (working at home or not). I mean all the jobs around the house, laundry, dishes, cooking, etc never end and start over again.

Maybe you just need a break? An hour or so of time just for you when you don't need to worry about anyone else during the day.

I have two boys, and try to knit while they want me to hang out with them, somehow it calms me and makes me more calm about life. It helps me sit still and not think about the 1001 things that need to be done.

Good luck:) Isabella

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hi Jen,

I sympathize with the spot you're in. I have days when I am tired of being everyone's drudge. I can't relate to the "head of household" thing because my husband and I are partners and we don't say that one of us is more important than the other. But I do feel taken for granted sometimes, and like I am the center around which things revolve and they are so Needy that I can't do stuff for myself. My friends want me to go away for the weekend next spring and when I picture it, I can imagine my family freaking out in my absence. The last time I was gone overnight, it was such a production. They made me a "welcome home" sign, I'm not kidding. Are there any places around there that have nature center day retreats? Maybe if you could recharge your batteries, away from the family, for a day that would help. It could also be good for them to fend for themselves.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
On a purely financial note: have you read Dave Ramsey's book, "The Total Money Makeover"?
My husband and I had money fights for 9 years of marriage and we were even similarly goal-minded on our future desires and dreams. Since we've read his book and instituted a budget that we both agree on, seriously, a WHOLE YEAR with NO money fights! We've made a plan and we're just working it and that's that.

You should look into it, he has a special place in his heart for military families.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
sometimes all we need is the offer...it's not always really about the money but more to know others place value on us.

I wonder if it goes back to the mars/venus thing where men want action and women sometimes aren't looking for a solution but rather the man to listen to our venting.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Jen, your interactions with M. are so hilarious. You guys could be the stars in some sitcom. Reading this post made me miss you guys and hearing your arguments in person! --Sandra F.

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