I know this is an extra post for today, but I had to get out how I was feeling. Have you ever been at a doctor’s appointment waiting in the waiting room and although you checked in your name when you came in it was somehow skipped over? This has happened to me a few times. After waiting and waiting there for a long time and seeing people who came after me go into their appointment while still sitting there I start getting this horrible feeling. Then I see people who came in after me leaving. Am I invisible?

One time I waited in a doctor’s waiting room until the place was closing. I finally went up to the desk holding back tears I had been waiting so long. They told me I should have spoken up, but I checked in! When you check in you assume they have your name on the list and they will call you.

This has happened to me in other places. Once I was at Subway and the person making the sandwiches actually helped the person on both sides of me and on down the line. She totally skipped me. That particular day I was so upset from something that had happened earlier that I totally lost it. I started to yell at the workers, “Hello! Can I get some service here! You are helping those three people down from me before me!” I totally started to cry in the store. Of course the manager freaked out and everyone was jumping over themselves to help me at that point and they gave me coupons for free meals in the future, etc., etc. But I couldn’t even order I just sat down and M had to order for me.

I guess I am invisible sometimes.

This is how I feel about getting a referral. I have been waiting 6 months minus 9 days since my dossier was accepted. I started this process in January 2005. That is when we decided to adopt and started doing the preliminary stuff. We then had to actually move to a new house to get homestudy approval. It was so hard. And now I sit here crying at my computer because I have been sitting in the waiting room for so long. For 1 ½ years and I am starting to get that horrible feeling that I have been overlooked again. That even though I checked in they missed my name.

My new daughter’s room sits empty. Everyone we see asks about the adoption, but now they say stuff like, “So you decided not to do that anymore?” or “So adoptions are totally stopped in Russia?” or “I thought you would have your little one by now.” or “What happened with that adoption thing I thought you guys were doing.” I just smile weakly and say, “Oh we were just pretending about the adoption thing. We thought it made us look cool. So, yah, forget we ever mentioned it. AND please go away.” No, I don’t say that. I just think it.

Sorry, about rambling on. I am just feeling horrible. Kinda like I can’t breathe.

Labels: waiting for referral